The Carpark

let it go

2011-03-21T22:36:00.000-07:00

I actually googled "how to let go of bla bla bla" and came up with this:

1. Journal your thoughts and feelings about how poorly certain people treated you or what events occurred in your life you felt were unfair. If you're not good with words, but enjoy art, then draw or paint your pain. Next, write or draw your intention to stop the unfairness dialog so you can start to let go of the past and move on.

2. Meditate daily. Clear your mind of the negative chatter and concentrate on how you can grow from the pain you have survived. Reflect on the positive aspects of moving on, such as how letting go of the past opens up room for better things to come into your life.

3. Burn Baby, Burn. Choose an empty container, something you won't mind parting with (or something fireproof). Place slips of paper inside on which you've scribbled the things you can't let go, like people, places, things, emotions, an unhealthy habit, whatever you feel is holding you back. Then, take the container out to your yard and bury it (or light that shit on fire). From then on, whatever you wrote on the paper no longer exists and you can't hold on to what doesn't exist.

4. Work with a counselor or life coach to overcome obstacles or mental health issues that are keeping you from being able to address your problem areas. Armed with newfound knowledge shared with you by a professional, you can start looking forward to moving away from the past for good.

03.04.2011 Faith

2011-03-04T09:01:00.001-08:00

I want to believe in love, and that Marc loves me. He certainly seems to: he's still around, even after I went balls-out freakazoid on his ass. Plus he's great about being around to talk to me. He's sweet, fun and kind. It isn't that I don't trust him. I don't trust myself.

I have issues with faith. With trusting and believing. In love, and in myself and my worth.

Here's what Wikipedia has to say about faith:
Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, concept or thing.The English word is thought to date from 1200–50, from the Latin fidem or fidēs, meaning trust, derived from the verb fīdere, to trust.

Since faith implies a trusting reliance upon future events or outcomes, it is often taken by some people as inevitably synonymous with a belief "not resting on logical proof or material evidence."

My confidence in romantic love itself is complicated. My trust in my own decisions regarding love is probably nonexistent. My belief that I am worthy of such love is damaged.
The logical proof based on the material evidence being that it has never worked out in the past.
So I need to let that old shit go. Why is it so hard?

I need to trust. To believe. I need to have faith in myself.

02.22.2011

2011-02-22T14:13:00.001-08:00

Ok, I get it. Crying women make people uncomfortable. I"M SORRY! I'm hormonal. Hormonal women cry. Apparently we cry a lot.

I don't know why I am so worried about the relationship with my guy. Well, actually, I do have a theory. I love him, he appears to love me AND THAT HAS NEVER TURNED OUT WELL IN THE PAST.
No. This is not the past. I need to stop with the negative bullshit.

Wow.

What's on my mind:
I'm going over there in 7 weeks and it will be great. It will be great even if the best thing about the trip turns out to be the scenery.
I don't think that's going to be the case, at all - and it occurred to me today that I'm not sure whether I'm more scared of the possibility that he might not be The One, or the possibility that he might be.

What's on my iPod: The Cars - Just What I Needed
I don't mind you hangin' out
And wastin' all my time
Cos when you're standin' oh so near
I kinda lose my mind

reparation II

2011-02-14T10:29:00.000-08:00

unlock my heart; help me pull open the door
tarnished pieces, jagged edges, rust and stains
help me wipe the dirt and scrape the ice away
again
help me open it up and let it bleed,
help me release the pain and relight the fire

02.08.2011

2011-02-08T09:24:00.000-08:00

I am still pretty up-and-down emotionally. Have not lost my shit yet but it sometimes feels like a very near thing. I'm headed straight for the omgwtfbbq.
This has got to stop.
I need a chill pill. I wonder if my doctor would prescribe something.
Maybe I just need to drink more wine, get more sleep and have a daily neck massage.
What I need is a vacation in Pervtown with my boyfriend, lots of good food and wine and a road trip through Germany and France...
NINE MORE WEEKS!!!
In the meantime, I need to run and lift and sweat a lot.
And for the chick in the cubicle next to me to stop bitching.

artsy thang

1.25.2010

2011-01-25T12:59:00.000-08:00

I had my reasons for the insecurity and fear

Now though, I have more reason to let all that go
To embrace life, and love
And the reason is simple
The reason is you.

(ewe rock)

1.18.2010

2011-01-18T19:25:00.000-08:00

Yeesh. Ok - my emotional state has been a mess: the anxiety, depression, irritability, feelings of isolation have gotten out of control again. Not all the time: I'm mostly happy, ecstatic, over the moon in love but - the slightest thing goes wrong and BAM - I slide right into the black pit of self-doubt where I just know my whole life is about to be yanked out from under me. It's like walking a tightrope over nothing and knowing that at some point you'll fall.
But after screaming - quite literally - at my boyfriend at 5:30 in his morning, I made myself stop to think and I suspect it's probably due to hormones. Because what else has been happening is night sweats and skipped/unpredictable periods. Oh yay - welcome to perimenopause. God.
And I remembered that this is the way I was feeling when I started taking Prozac - and it helped. So I spoke to my Doctor who advised me that increasing my dose will quite likely help take the edge off my overwrought emotions.
It's also the way I was feeling when I was taking Zyrtec before so no more of that.
I'm also going to get off my butt and get out and exercise. I was doing so well; I need to step up.
And I need to reach out to my friends more. Spend more time hanging out and laughing with them. I don't hang out with Tim, Laurel, or Kel near enough. I havent seen Y in ages and I miss her.

So yeah - I have A Plan to slay this beast. And I feel better already - I think just identifying the problem and realizing I can regain control is a huge step in the right direction.

And in other news: my flights are booked and plans are coming together: COMING SOON TO A CITY NEAR YOU ... THE EURO PERV TOUR 2011!!! There will be T-Shirts!
So far it looks like we're heading from Den Haag through Maastricht, Mannheim, Chalons-en-Champagne to Paris with stops at places like Heidelberg, Trier, German sweet-wine country (!) and of course Ramstein Air Base.
I CAN'T WAIT!
And I get to see it all with my wonderful and very understanding boyfriend who did not, even when I screamed at him at 5:30 in the morning, tell me to go fuck myself. He would have been well within his right to do so, but he didn't, and that made me realize just how NOT alone I am. 5000 miles away, he has my back, has my best interests at heart.
Marc: I love you.

1.10.2011

2011-01-10T16:33:00.001-08:00

My Significant Other said something the other day that really hit home with me; I had written him this love letter about what is right with us, and what I love about him; all the times when he’s there for me, the way he makes me laugh, the way he looks at me, his generosity, and the way he ‘gets’ me and my quirks and weirdness and still thinks I’m cool.
The letter came from my heart and I was a little stung, because he didn’t really comment on it, when, to me, it was this big deal.
So I asked him about and what he said was pretty much “Yeah, well … I already knew that stuff.”

That really made me think. Apparently, he pretty much habitually thinks this way.
And apparently, I do NOT. It shouldn’t be like that: I should always know and trust that we are good. I shouldn’t have to make myself see that. It should be automatic. I hate that the good isn’t always the first thing I see.
Don’t get me wrong – most of the time, it is BUT – the slightest thing goes awry and I suddenly start thinking the worst and focusing on anything that isn’t perfect.
And I know why that is ... because in the past, the worst is what actually happened, again and again. I loved and trusted, and all it got me was lied to, cheated on, beaten up, humiliated and disappointed.

I desperately want to leave that shit behind me. It has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with this man.

1.9.2011

2011-01-09T14:06:00.000-08:00

What am I waiting for?

Maybe this isn't about you and me
Maybe this is about me and possibilities

1.5.2011

2011-01-05T11:49:00.000-08:00

Yay! I have my period! No, seriously – I’m actually happy about this. Because apparently, I’m peri-menopausal. And last month, I skipped my period. I had PMS for a week and then… nothing. And part of me would love to have *that* whole ordeal be over and done with … the bloating, the bingeing, gas and irritability of PMS week followed by the fatigue, cramping and general groadyness of my actual period. That stuff being gone, over with, kaput… that is a good thing. Right?
Only part of me is also sad about losing my fertility. I know that soon (and possibly already) I may not be able to get pregnant. Now, I haven’t exactly made a secret of the fact that I have never had a burning desire to have kids. But it I guess it does feel odd to truly not have that option, I mean … the decision to become a parent is a pretty big deal. I find it interesting that for whatever reason, the fact that soon, it will no longer an option is messing with my head just a little. I suppose it’s normal to be a little sad when you realize that you will never have children.
Then again ... the trade-off will probably be worth it. No more birth control! No more arming myself to battle the demon of unplanned pregnancy! And no more wanting to turn everything within ten mile radius to ash because someone stole your parking space. Ok, realistically, I can’t promise that: I still have a brain. And everyone else on the road is still a jackass.

1.3.2011 - 2010 redux

2011-01-03T09:28:00.000-08:00

When I used to keep a written journal, I would do a recap of all that was written in it when I reached the last couple of blank pages. It was always kindof fun to look back over the past few months and review the changes that had taken place.
The last time I read over the written notebooks was a few years after The Bad Relationship and the journals I kept during that period scared me: I had essentially checked out. I was not the least bit optimistic or hopeful of anything.
I burned them and vowed I would never again endure such abuse ... or ignore the red flags in a relationship.

But anyway....
2010 was pretty stable jobwise. I love my job, my boss, and my coworkers.
However, one really sunshiny person, whose smile could light up a room, died of cancer. That was sad and very difficult to deal with for our entire Department. Then, one really negative person in my department left. Things are fine now, but it was a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally.

Early in the year I -finally- ended the difficult relationship I had with M. It had been a long time coming, even though he is essentially a nice guy. I wanted believe that age didn't make a difference but alas: while age itself is just a number, maturity isn't and I am just not willing to reach down and drag someone up to where I am. He's doing really well and I am proud of him, but it was something he had to do for himself.

I started to get more committed to exercise and diet, joining Crossfit and trying The Zone Diet and then Paleo, and lost 25 pounds (!). I've been slipping the past couple weeks though and it shows: I've gained almost 5 pounds back. Time to step up.
I bought a new car in June: a nice white 4-door Corolla. I thought I would be bummed not having a BMW but I have to say, I love my little Yoshiro ('shiro' is Japanese for white).

The biggest thing that happened this year is I began a new relationship. Marc had been a friend online for 3 or so years, and I had met him 2 years ago in Las Vegas, (when I was with M.) I found him attractive then; also sortof mysterious - he was very quiet. We had another get-together in Las Vegas over Halloween weekend in 2010 and it was a LOT Of fun. Some of my favorite people from online came; a bunch of us went to the Grand Canyon, which was phenomenal! We had a really good time hanging out; lots of laughter and good times. I felt attracted to Marc and was covertly trying to get close to him at the Grand Canyon. We ended up staying up all night talking that night and I learned a lot about him and his political views - by 6:00am and about 10 margaritas/martinis we had solved all the worlds problems.
The next night, after some really bad vodka and some really good tequila, I turned to him and said something along the lines of "Dude... I really want to kiss you right now."
I have this slow-motion, almost surreal memory of the moment - I remember thinking it and then suddenly, saying it while the other (sober) half of my brain was going "Oh hey! You just said that OUT LOUD!"
Then he kissed me. My brain shut up, and I didn't know it at the time but I think asking for that kiss probably changed my life. Even if it had gone nowhere, saying out loud what I wanted was liberating.
We spent most of the next couple of days together, and when everyone dressed up for Halloween night on Fremont Street in Vegas, we had a great time hanging out together with everyone - and doing so much kissing that his fake Freddie Mercury moustache was smeared half off by the end of the night!
When I left for home I wasn't sure what would happen: we're 5000-something miles apart and we'd both been through long-distance relationships that didn't work out. But we decided to make a go of it and two months later, things are going really well. We have a lot in common; we both have full, happy lives that we love. We're both adventuresome and relish new experiences. We think a lot alike, which surprises the hell out of me sometimes.
He's cute, funny, sexy, silly, smart, responsible, he's got a job, gets along with his family, loves to travel, and he treats me wonderfully well. He's respectful, and he makes every effort to be there when he says he will be - plus he makes extra effort to be there and surprise me when I think he won't.
He's pretty awesome ... and he seems to think I am pretty awesome. It's taken me a little while to truly accept all this awesomeness, I think. The only real 'argument' we've had - if you could even call it that - involved me being ridiculous and insecure, and apparently existed mostly in my head.
Not that it's without it's challenges: long distance isn't ever going to be easy but I think we both know what we want, we're realistic, well grounded and we're both (gulp!) adults.
But yeah - it is long distance. He lives in The Netherlands. I'm going to visit in April, which I am REALLY excited about - seeing him will be even more wonderful after we've gotten to know each other that much more, you know? And there's the added bonus of ... EUROPE!!!
I pirated a couple sections of language learning software so if I can make myself sit down at my computer (and concentrate on something besides Hotty VanPervMaster ... LOL) I'm learning Dutch.

I know this sounds like everything is perfect and wonderful: it isn't. Long distance is hard. I know there will be ups and down. Lately, for instance, I've been feeling very much alone.

But really?
Right here, right now, I am happy. Like really, truly happy and open to the possibility that maybe, finally, the Universe has given me what I wanted.

And all I had to do was ask...

Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!

*Happy New Year!!

12.17.2010

2010-12-17T13:57:00.000-08:00

I have never met a truly strong person who didn't have self-respect.
Strength is self-respect. There's strength in kindness, sensitivity, and love.
You can't entertain the idea of romance if you're not strong. Love is such a strong and overwhelming passion, how do you sustain it long if you're not willing to work at it?
Life will drive you out of your mind. In times like these, it's a miracle we're not all insane. People have become separated from each other, and from themselves. We're stressing out, we're losing sleep, we're eating badly ... and behaving badly. I'm guilty of all this. And it's something I'm really trying to change in myself. If I can get rid of the unhealthy weight and the unhealthy habits and become a better person, I believe I can do anything. If I am strong, I can conquer my demons and get over the past. I will be strong and life won't kick my ass.
If I don't allow myself to be treated with disrespect (even by my worst offender - ME) then hopefully others will respect me. And even more important, I will have more respect for others.

Friends and lovers may come and go. But the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. I'm trying to be my best ... for me. I let myself down far too often.
But I am trying.

The Other Half

2010-12-10T15:07:00.001-08:00

I don't say half the things I want to say to you
Because I’m trying to be funny, and you’re trying to wake up
or because I'm just looking at you smiling and I don't want to talk about anything serious, I just want to be with you and feel how happy you make me
or because I'm not used to revealing this much of myself

I don’t say, for instance that I think this is going to change my life and teach me patience and make me grow and learn and love like never before and that scares me and excites me at the same time
Because I remember who you are and how much you’ve already surprised me and taught me and the ways you make me laugh and all the ways you make me feel amazing and special and wonderful

I don’t say, for instance that sometimes this is hard, and that sometimes I feel so alone. And sometimes I don't feel like it's real. Life and internet life seem to be really seperate things to you, and I'm not sure that I'm there in your real life.
But then I think of your smile and your blue eyes, and it makes me happy. I remember the way it felt when we were together, wrapped up in each other, a tangle of blankets and warmth, and the way every time I moved you would kiss whatever part of me you could kiss.

I don’t say, for instance, that sometimes I’m scared you're going to slip away or that you’ll find someone real. Someone closer, someone you can touch and feel and hold. Because every time I have loved in the past, something bad always happened and all I ever learned was what love should not be.

I don't say, for instance that part of me did not want to go down this road ever again, because I want what I want, but all I ever got was hurt and disappointed, and it sucked. Life went on on but I didn't necessarily believe that there was any romance left in me.

But something made me kiss you and I can't wait to see where this road leads because this (finally!) feels really right.

I don't know how, and I don't know why, but here you and I are, half a world apart yet we're connected. I carry some part of you, some memory or thought of you with me in my heart.
I love you. I miss you and I want to hold you and kiss you and just ... be.

11.30

2010-11-30T14:52:00.000-08:00

closing my eyes i imagine i can feel you beside me
all around me in the velvet
shrouded in darkness, i breathe you in

09.16.2010 Pet Peeves Edition

2010-09-16T11:44:00.001-07:00

Wikipedia defines a "pet peeve" thusly:
A pet peeve (or pet hate) is a minor annoyance that an individual identifies as particularly annoying to him or her, to a greater degree than others may find it.
List your top five Pet Peeves and explain why:

1. Everyone else on the road when I am driving.
Everyone else is a worse driver than I am, and tends to be unpredictable.
Everyone else scares me.

2. People who type all in caps regularly.
This happens all the time where I work, because a lot of people use a program that requires it. People should be aware that typing in all caps seems like YOU ARE YELLING. You shouldn't be yelling, especially at work. And especially not AT ME. What did I ever do to you?

3. Bad grammar in general, and in particular, people who use apostrophes incorrectly.
Apostrophes are generally used in just two instances:
a. With contractions, where you take two words and condense them into one. The apostrophe is always placed at the spot where the letter(s) has been removed.
Example: Are not = aren't
b. To show possession. If singular, place the apostrophe before the s to show singular possession. Example: A pencil belonging to Sam is Sam's. If plural possession, make the noun plural first. Then immediately use the apostrophe. Example: two boys' hats
You do not use an apostrophe when simply pluralizing anything; especially a name.
Example: "My sons are both blond" is correct, whereas "My son's are both blond" is not.
Don't even start me on people who don't know the difference between "there", "their" and "they're" ... or people who either don't use spellchecker or proofread things that they post publicly. I recently received a flier in my mailbox from one of my neighbors who has lost their cat. The flier said that the cat's owners "suspect fowl play". Unless you think your pet was abducted by chickens, it's FOUL play, people!

4. Speaking of foul - Peeve #4 is People who post on Facebook with dirty comments and/or foul language - and then complain when I "un-friend" them.
Please do not post on my Facebook about how you feel about blowjobs, how many drugs you did last weekend, or how great it turns out you are at pole-dancing. While I certainly admire your many talents, it's just TMI for my parents and young relatives, my coworkers and many others whom I have "friended" on Facebook. It's a public forum. This means you're in public. Please act accordingly.

5. People Who Have Private Cell Phone Conversations in Public. Seriously, I do NOT need to hear you argue with your husband about whether to neuter the dog, which one of you is right about this morning's argument or any of the other various personal dramas that inevitably unfold. Your private life should be just that. Private.

You can add to the list:
Drivers who don't use their turn signals.
In particular, when I am at an intersection waiting to turn, and a driver coming the opposite direction is not signaling, and I am waiting for him to come straight across before I can turn - when suddenly he turns. WTF - they obviously see you waiting for them to come across, and they let you sit there like an idiot. Either they are so rude they just do not care, they don't know how to drive, or they're completely and utterly oblivious tot he fact that anyone else is on the road with them. Either way, how is this acceptable?

People Who Have Whispered Conversations Where I Can Overhear Them. You're obviously making the effort to lower your voice for a reason: overhearing you makes me uncomfortable. Please have your private conversations somewhere ... you know ... private.

Coworkers Who Make Even the Simplest Task Into a Big Deal. Yes, there are things in your job description that suck. It is your job to deal with them. Do your damn job.

07.28.2010

2010-07-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

I really should post here more.

So, I've been sick with a nasty summer cold and sore and not going to the gym or Crossfitting. I'll get back to it soon, I just hope my hip doesn't decide to hurt any more. I hate that I feel like this is just something I have to deal with because I'm old. I've never wanted my age to define me but I guess it does, in some ways.
The good news is, I am paying off the IRS in a week - finally! And going to be putting that much more towards my credit card debt, which will take my balance down in a hurry. This feels really good.
I bought a car a few weeks ago, too - my poor old BMW was slowly dying, so I had to do it. I'd been saving for a down payment, and planned on getting another used BMW but, on the advice of my parents (yes, Mom, I actually do listen), I went to look at a Toyota. And ended up buying a 2009 Corolla, which is far more car than I'd have gotten if I had gotten a BMW. And I love my little 'Yota - the gas mileage kicks ass and it's quiet, comfy and doesn't feel like parts may come flying off it.

But it seems like you can't have good without bad, and unfortunately for everyone who knows her, my friend Cindy is dying.
Blunt, yes. But that is what's happening. She has been battling cancer for almost three years now, had a leg amputated (it started in her leg) and been through radiation and chemo. It looked for a while like they had gotten it all, and she was set on coming back to work. She was getting around - by herself, even driving! She wanted to get a prosthetic leg and put the cancer behind her.
But then they started to find tumors everywhere. Her lungs, her spine, her abdomen. She fought so hard, and for such a long time kept the most positive of attitudes. But last week, she entered hospice care. She is bedridden and in pain, and does not want us to see her like this. I don't blame her, but I wish I could see my friend one last time. We never said goodbye. Maybe that is for the best.
I do not want her to have to go through this, and I don't want to go through it either. Cindy has always been such an optimistic, sunny, bright and beautiful person. It's so tough to face the fact that she won't be back to work. She was such a big part of this department for such a long time. It's tough to have to face that soon, she won't be with us at all. The toughest part is that she won't see her grandchildren grow up. She loves them so much, and she's such a proud Nano. It breaks my heart that they will miss having her in their lives. It makes me thankful we all had her in our lives for as long as we did.
I just wish it could have been forever.
But now, I wish her love, comfort and mostly, peace.

04.06.2010

2010-05-06T10:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's been ages since I've blogged here but there've been a couple big changes: M and I aren't talking at all (which I find childish on his part but - well, it works for me so whatever). It had to be done.
I'm far less stressed now, which frankly indicates that something wasn't working for me even when it *was* going "ok". I kinda just want to be left alone to ... be.
I've been going to Crossfit one or two times a week and it's kicking my ass, making me work and sweat and get sore and I am loving it. It's also allowed me to reconnect with my great friend Y, whom I missed a great deal. Seriously, she has been one of the great friendships of my adult life because she tells it like it is, shes not afraid tell anyone when they're being an a-hole and she's not afraid to say no.

Quote

2010-01-12T09:28:00.001-08:00

" Free love? As if love is anything but free! Man has bought brains, but all the millions in the world have failed to buy love. Man has subdued bodies, but all the power on earth has been unable to subdue love. Man has conquered whole nations, but all his armies could not conquer love. Man has chained and fettered the spirit, but he has been utterly helpless before love. High on a throne, with all the splendor and pomp his gold can command, man is yet poor and desolate, if love passes him by. And if it stays, the poorest hovel is radiant with warmth, with life and color. Thus love has the magic power to make of a beggar a king. Yes, love is free; it can dwell in no other atmosphere. In freedom it gives itself unreservedly, abundantly, completely. All the laws on the statutes, all the courts in the universe, cannot tear it from the soil, once love has taken root."
— Emma Goldman

twilight

2009-10-06T16:33:00.001-07:00

my heart stands silent
a marble house
stillness floods its empty halls
memories like leaves fall into shadow

Friday Four

2009-10-02T15:18:00.000-07:00

Q1 - Wearing Your Emotions on Your Bumper: It's been a little over a year since Colorado State University scientists published the results of a study showing a correlation between the number of bumper stickers a driver chooses to display and the likelihood of that driver experiencing road rage. How many bumper stickers do you have on your vehicle(s), and which one is your favorite? If you're not a bumper sticker type of person, which is your favorite of those that you've seen?
I'm a snob: I would never put a bumper sticker on my BMW. The funniest bumper sticker I ever saw said "If you're riding my ass.... you'd better be pulling my hair."

Q2 - Secrets: I've long been interested in secret societies. A friend of mine is a Free Mason and a Shriner and has recently been hinting to me that he would like me to join the local lodge (unlike many secret societies, potential members are never invited -- to become a Mason, one must ask to join). Since many of Masonry's secrets aren't so secret anymore, I admit to losing some interest in it, but am still considering joining. Have you ever been "tapped in" or otherwise joined a secret society? If not, would you ever consider it? Why or why not?
I am a Majority Member of the International Order of the Rainbow for Gilrs, which is affiliated with the Masons. It was a good organization, it promoted community service and also fostered a couple of life-long friendships.

Q3 - I Want to Believe: Like the poster hanging in Fox Mulder's office says, I want to believe. I believe there are intelligent beings, much like ourselves, living on other planets. However, as much as I want to believe that one of those alien races has visited and is currently visiting Earth, I don't believe that is the case. Do you believe in space aliens, and if so, do you believe they have ever visited Earth?
I think it would be arrogant of us to assume we're the only life out there. The universe is a pretty big place. Have they visited Earth? I don't know. I don't think crop circles, Stonehenge, the Pyramids etc are evidence. And the people who promote the government cover-up theory about Roswell etc come off as way to kooky to be reliable.

Q4 - Politics and Interpretive Dance: My favorite book is "Starship Troopers" by Robert Heinlein, which I first read as a teen back in the late 80's. But it wasn't until recently that I realized there was so much controversy over Heinlein's statements on war, American culture, politics, the military, etc. To me, it was just an enjoyable story. When you read a fictional story or watch a movie, do you simply try and enjoy it, or do you seek some deeper meaning or life's lesson from the author's/director's intended message?
I pretty much just enjoy books and movies for entertainment value. I do appreciate satire, but largely, unless the deeper meaning is pretty blatant, I won't see it, because I'm not looking for it.

Fatkins Diet :/

2009-09-28T11:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, cold brewed coffee ROCKS.

I am trying not to eat carbs. (And can I just say - WTF, I did not WANT to be one of those people who refuse to eat carbs!)

But carbs and sugar = high triglycerides and that's a huge part of my problem so ...
I'm one of those people, but at least I've got a good excuse. Actually, a great excuse. Carbs are bad for me. If I really had to, I could lie and say I have a gluten allergy.
And no sweeteners.

Thank god I can have dairy. And coffee.

Well, I am off to Larry's Produce for yet more vegetables.

Summer

2009-08-31T21:32:00.000-07:00

Name 4 things you loved about this summer
1. Camping
2. Swimming
3. Hanging out with friends at Discovery Kingdom
4. Michael's visit

4 things you hated about this summer
1. Hot weather
2. Hot weather
3. being constantly coated with sticky sunscreen
4. Did I mention hot weather?

4 of your favorite foods this summer
1. Home-grown tomatoes
2. Popsicles
3. BBQ Grilled everything
4. Corn on the cob

4 things you managed to avoid this summer
1. Sunburn
2. Mosquitoes
3. cholesterol and triglycerides!
4. Lake Berryessa

4 favorite songs this summer
1. Green Day - Viva La Gloria
2. Rob Pattinson - Never Think
3. Steve Earle - Galway Girl
4. Muse - Starlight

More meme madness!

2009-02-02T21:44:00.000-08:00

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My godmother, Marie

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Salami

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Totally.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Like you don't know.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Yep. Have done it. With my Mom.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
FiberOne Honey Clusters. 51% of your daily requirement for fiber, baby!!!!

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Usually.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Pistachio Almond

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Smile.

15. RED OR PINK?
RED

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I need to lose weight and I am lazy.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My Michael, and my sister.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
I am not going to tag anyone.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Black leggings and black boots

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The refigerator.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Red!

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Fresh cut grass, melon, freesia

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My coworker calling in at the end of her day in the field.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Yeah.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Hockey, occasionally

27. HAIR COLOR?
Um ... brown

28. EYE COLOR?
Grey

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
I have some I never wear.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
hrm .. sushi, pizza

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Both

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
oh gawd... My Big Fat Greek Wedding

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
blue

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
FALL

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Yes, please.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Not tagging anyone.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
ditto

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Myers

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
cats

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT
Brothers and Sisters

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
purring cat

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
The Stones

44. ARE YOU A TALKER OR A LISTENER?
both, I hope .. probably a better talker.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Not that I will mention in public.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Petaluma, CA

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Whomever wants to.

48. How did you meet your significant other?
Online, and then in real life at Heathrow Airport

It's All About Meme

2009-01-21T21:34:00.000-08:00

Starting time : 9:36 p.m

Name : Not telling..."Carrie" is a pseudonym
Sisters : 1
Brothers : 0
Shoe size : 7.5
Height : 5'3"
Where do you live : Northern California

Have you ever been on a plane : Yes
Swam in the ocean : Yes
Fallen asleep at school : No
Broken someone’s heart : Yes
Fell off your chair : No, not that I recall specifically, although I am sure that I must have
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call : Yes
Saved e-mails : Yes. I once printed one out and wore the scroll 'round my neck.
What is your room like : Messy
What’s right beside you: A window, on the right. On the left, my cat is chasing his tail in the kitchen.
What is the last thing you ate : A grilled chicken wrap

Ever had…
Chicken pox : Yes
Sore throat : Yes
Stitches : Yes
Broken nose :No

Do you...
Believe in love at first sight : Yes. It's not happened to me, but I suppose I believe in it.

Who was/were…
The last person you danced with : My girlfriends at a party.
Last made you smile : My friend Heidi, when she hugged me this morning.
You last yelled at : myself

Today did you…
Talk to someone you like : Yes
Kissed anyone : No
Get sick : No
Talk to an ex : Yes. One of my best friends is an ex from waaaayyyyy back. I hadnt talked to him in months and he called out of the blue.
Miss someone : Yes. I miss M terribly.

Who do you really hate: Being angry. It fills me with negativity.
Do you like your hand-writing : Sometimes, I love it.
Are your toe nails painted : Not right now - it's winter. I keep them painted in sandal season, for sure. My favourite colour: I'm Not Really A Waitress by OPI
Whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in : No one's. My bed is supremely comfy and cosy. As far as who is in it goes ...
What color shirt are you wearing now : burgundy/grey print
Are you a friendly person : Yes
Do you have any pets : Yes. A weird cat named Gris-Gris
Do you sleep with the TV on: No! I need complete darkness and silence. I won't have a TV in my bedroom. My bedroom is for sleeping and ........ not watching telly!
What are you doing right now : listening to the rain
Can you handle the truth : Yes
Are you closer to your mother or father : I am close to both, which sortof amazes me, because my Dad used to be kindof a drag.
Do you eat healthy : I try to. I'm on a fibre kick right now... but I've a weakness for sweets, especially pastries and the like. *sigh*
Do you still have pictures of you & your ex : Somewhere, I have a couple pics of my ex. I don't think there are any of us together.
If you’re having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to : My best friend and sometimes-significant-other, M.
Are you loud or quiet most of the time : Quiet, unless in social situations
Are you confident : Yes

5 things I was doing 10 years ago
1. Living with my ex-ex and planning my wedding.
2. Cooking a lot of meat & potatoes and gaining a lot of weight
3. Living in a crappy condo next door to drug dealers.
4. Watching NASCAR on TV
5. Getting laid off a job I'd had for 15 years.

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire
1. Buy a house/winery/organic garden in the Napa Valley
2. buy a house in Europe
3. Invest
4. Buy extravagant gifts for my family and friends
5. Travel around the world, visiting all the cities I've always wanted to see

5 of my bad habits
1. Eating Junk food
2. Napping, extensively
3. Leaving a trail of debris and dishes in my wake (I am really that messy)
4. chatting and playing games online
5. picking: at my nails, my skin

5 places I’ve lived/living
1. Vallejo, CA
2. Rohnert Park, CA
3. Toronto, ON, Canada
4. Petaluma, CA
5. Cotati, CA

Finishing time : 9:58 p.m

What's on my mind: I seriously want to shave my head.
What's on my iPod: Coldplay - Talk

TMI Tuesday #168 - Would you rather edition

2009-01-08T09:04:00.000-08:00

1. Would you rather be stranded on an island alone or with someone you dislike/don't get along with?
Hrm ... I think alone. I have enough arguments with myself, I don't need that much more negativity. Then again .. you can always learn to get along with someone. And you know what? I don't get along with Jude Law. but I bet I could learn *grin*
2. Would you rather accidentally walk in on your parents having sex or have them walk in on you?
Ok, EW. If I had to choose, I guess it would be less embarrasing to walk in on them. But while it's nice that they still fool around (they're in their 60s), it's just an image I don't need.
3. Would you rather be snapped by paparazzi during a nipple slip or while exiting a car with out any underwear?
Um. Nipple.
(guys, consider similar circumstances) What's similar to nipples on a guy but just as embarrasing?
4. Would you rather not have sex for two years or not be able to use the Internet for two years?
I've gone 2 years without sex. I think I'd miss the online socializing more than I would the sex.
5. Would you rather find true love or 1 million dollars?
This is probably not the best time to get an unbiased answer to this. Right now, I would choose the million dollars, because right now, I suck. I suck at love and I want nothing to do with it.

Bonus (as in optional): If you had to choose *one* sexual position for the rest of your life, what would it be? Why?
doggy style, for reasons I have explained before.

What's on my mind: meh
What's on my iPod: Elton John - My Father's Gun

TMI Tuesday #167 - Happy New Year!

2008-12-30T08:38:00.000-08:00

1. Last week was "The Most Wonderful time of the Year", but what are your favorite 2008 memories?

I did something this year that I'd wanted to do for 20 years: I went to England, Scotland and Wales. It was awesome, and even more so because I traveled with a friend of mine (who has since become more than a friend!) My S.O. is British, and we're currently looking at Visa options, as he would like to come and live here.
He came here in the Fall and landscaped my yard, and replaced my kitchen light fixtures and range hood. He was here 10 weeks, and it was pretty awesome.
We elected the first black man as President of the United States. That's pretty cool. I find it hilarious that we in the US think we're all progressive and shit ... plenty of Third World countries have had black leaders, as well as women leaders. Anyway, I hope Barack Obama can start to turn this country around.
2008 was a pretty challenging year. Major good things happened, and a couple major bad things as well. Aside from the US economy being utter crap, I lost both my cats: Clover died from cancer in the summer, and Tommy from complications due to kidney failure just before Christmas. Clover was expected. Tommy's death was unextected, shocking and very sad. He was 5. And he was my Guy. I was crazy about that cat from the moment I saw him.
But ... life does go on, and there are plenty of cats in shelters that need a home so, faced with going home to a house devoid of life, I decided to go to the shelter and see if I could find a new buddy. And I did: meet GrisGris*

2. What is the best thing you learned in 2008?
Patience. It's been a trying year, much of it spent far away from the man I love. I am not good at it, but I'm trying.
3. On a scale of 1-10, how good was your 2008?
I'd say an 8. And I'm optimistic that things will be better.
4. What is your wish for 2009? What is your wish for someone else for 2009?
For me, I wish I would have less stress, that things would go smoothly. But I know life isn't like that.
My wish for someone else ... everyone else ... is that they be happy and healthy.
5. Where was the first place you ever passionately kissed?
Behind a tree in Veteran's Memorial Campground in Monterey, CA. It was dark, my sister was waiting for me, and a guy I had met named Mark was kssing me goodnight ... for like 20 minutes.

Bonus (as in optional):Do you make New Year's resolutions? What is/are your's for 2009?
I don't, but I need to excercise more so - unofficially my Resolution is to get off my ass and walk, bike, hike and run.

What's on my mind: I hope 2009 is better
What's on my iPod: Memory (from the musical Cats)
"Touch me ... it's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory of my days in the sun
If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is
Look... a new day has begun

*a "Gree Gree", is a voodoo talisman of luck and protection as well as a belaying device for rock-climbing.

TMI Tuesday #166 - Merry Christmas!

2008-12-23T09:44:00.000-08:00

1. What do present do you hope ends up under your tree?
My boyfriend. I suspect he's a bit too tall to fit under there, though.
2. What present are you most psyched about giving (PLEASE be vague or ignore this question if the recipient reads your blog)?
No one reads my blog. I'm kinda stoked about the interesting "big" gift I got for my parents. But mostly I'm happy to see my friends and relatives.
3. Do you prefer to give or receive?
If I'm honest, I'd much prefer to receive. Yeah, I'm lazy.
4. What is your favorite part of a sexual partner's body?
That depends. Probably his brain.
5. What is your favorite part your body - the one you hope a sexual partner will find or pay the most attention to?
My brain. I hope he can stimulate more than just my body. I mean ... if you have nothing else going for you than sex ... that can be fun, don't get me wrong. But it can't go very far. I want to engage more than just my senses. I want someone I can talk to.

Bonus (as in optional): [Idea blatently stolen from Os and his HNT wishes.] What Christmas wishes would you grant to whom?
Food to those who are hungry. Warmth and Love to those in need. Peace on Earth.

Merry Christmas, everyone.
Love, Carrie

I Lost My Mojo

2008-12-02T18:53:00.000-08:00

I'm in a funk.
My boyfriend was here 10 weeks visiting, and has now returned to Europe. I'm not adjusting well, I don't think: it was so nice to come home to a house where there was someone waiting besides the cat. Don't get me wrong, I love the cat. He meets me at the door when I get home, happy to see me and eager for some attention. But he has horrible breath and isn't really good with big hugs.
*sigh*
I'm feeling really blase about Christmas this year.
Am I having a midlife crisis? All the signs are there... a red sports car. Dating a generation younger.

Isn't that how Stella Got Her Groove Back?
I need to get my groove back.

the long cold winter

2008-12-01T13:48:00.000-08:00

I'm contemplating taking a break from blogging. I don't feel like I have anything to give right now. Sometimes I have a lot to say, but is anybody listening?
And I'm vaguely depressed... I feel like my life is just sortof spinning in place right now, and I'm unhappy about the place it's spinning in. What kind of world do we live in? An employee at Walmart was trampled to death by customers flooding in the door for the big Black Friday sales. Merry fucking Christmas.... Daddy is dead. Are we all so callous that we kill a person over saving a couple bucks? Is this what Christmas has become?
I'm at a loss for what to buy anyone, and I'm depressed by the thought that we all have to buy buy buy. I wish it were as easy as saying "Hey, I don't have extra money this year but you know what? I love you and I care about you. Ok?" and have it be enough.
I mean .. that's what giving a gift is supposed to say ... right? But no, it's all about buying more THINGS.
The economy, gas prices... I'm so sick of it. Sick of the noise, the caucophony of mindless drivel that is the media. I'm sick of hearing my neighbors argue, and I'm sick of arguing.
I wish I could go numb. Or ... I wish I could go away somewhere. Away from my family, away from my neighbors, and definitely away from Walmart.
*sigh*
But I can't run away and I won't. I will buy something nice for the people on my list and I will bake and I will smile and the world will keep turning and life will go on.

And somewhere I will eventually find peace and a reason to smile.

What's on my mind: the walls we put up to keep people out
What's on my iPod: Emigrate - Let Me Break

TMI Tuesday #162

2008-11-25T09:24:00.000-08:00

1. What is your favorite Thanksgiving food?
white meat turkey
2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
COLDPLAY. They are so mediocre, boring. Background music. FEH.
3. You seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy crap, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
I'd probably get myself something a little extravagant that I ordinarily wouldn't splurge on, like a pedicure or a massage, and some $ lipgloss. Maybe a couple CDs.
4. What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck ... fuck ... FUCK!
5. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
Rufus Wainwright? Excellent! I would love to go to Germany at the time when the Berlin wall came down. There were so many changes then. It would have been interesting to have been there, to see how that played out.
Bonus (as in optional):You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?
Speed. If I could go faster, do things faster - think how much more I could accomplish!

What's on my mind: Sending my SO back to the UK and resuming our LDR*
What's on my iPod: Rufus Wainwright - Tiergarten

*sending my Significant Other back to the United Kingdom and resuming our Long Distance Romance. And NO, I am not happy about this.

TMI Tuesday #159

2008-11-04T14:58:00.000-08:00

1. Have you ever had a moving violation? An auto accident? That was your fault?
YEs: I turned in front of a guy and he clipped my fender. Even though it was totally my fault, he never contacted me to get any money for the damage to his car.
2. Have you ever voted? How old were you the first time you voted?
I have voted in every election since I turned 18.
3. Are you glad this election cycle is over?
Yes, so the ads and the mudslinging will stop for now.
4. Do you have guilty pleasure? What is it (or are they)?
Rammstein. The music, the pyrotechnics, and the hot lead guitar player. Mmmmmm...
5. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done recently?
Danced in a skit in front of my coworkers.
Bonus: How much impact has the Wall Street and general economic wilt had on you?
My living situation is pretty cheap so I'm all good on that front. Gas prices have kept me from doing some of the driving I'd like to be doing: while my S.O. is here, I'd like to have gone to Oregon, back up and around Tahoe, out to the coast a lot more et cetera et cetera ET CETERA (I like driving and I love showing off Northern California to visitors)

Election Day 2008

2008-11-04T14:31:00.000-08:00

And you had better be out there and voting! If not, you have no right to bitch about the state of the Union. Mmmkay?
So anyway... I haven't blogged since freakin' August?
Sheesh, you'd think I was busy. Well, I have been: the Significant Other is visiting from the UK, which has been going, on the whole, great. It's been a bit odd having someone all up in my space. And a bit odd having someone to be somewhat accountable to, and someone to keep a positive attitude towards (which I'm not great about).
But it's great to come home to a house full of warmth and activity. He's very sweet, and my cat adores him.
So yeah, I've been fine, if a bit preoccupied. Work is going well; busy busy. And here come the holidays. I wonder if I can convince my family to do a Kris Kringle style gift exchange (where we each draw a name and get a gift for that person).
Otherwise, I'm making cookies again. Watch out, though: I've been on this high-fiber kick. I'll sneak flax seed into anything I can get my hands on.

What's on my mind: Physician's Advisory Group
What's on my iPod: German pop:
Die Flut - Joachim Witt/Peter Heppner
"Wann kommt die Flut - über mich?
Wann kommt die Flut - die mich berührt?
Wann kommt die Flut - die mich mit fortnimmt
in ein anderes großes Leben -- irgendwo."

When the flood comes - [is it]about/over me?
When the flood comes [does it] touch me?
When the tide comes I will go on having
another great life -- somewhere.

2008-08-15T11:26:00.000-07:00

I should know better than to read the news. It never ceases to piss me off.

"US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has demanded that Russian forces withdraw from Georgia immediately.
In a statement at the White House, President George W Bush accused Russia of "bullying and intimidation", saying it was an unacceptable "way to conduct foreign policy in the 21st Century". "*

So ... Bush is accusing Russia of bullying and intimidation?

Talk about the pot calling the kettle black ...

*from the BBC World News

MapQuest

2008-07-28T09:34:00.000-07:00

I love maps. I should have been a cartographer. Someone let me have a couple local maps at work today and I got all excited. Dumb, I know - but I love looking at them.
GPS is great but it just isn't the same. With a map, you get a feel for where you are - you can see the lay of the land. You get a feel for how big stuff is and where it is in relation to other stuff.

A map also represents possibilities. Whether it's a local map, or a map of the World, when I look at it I see all the places I could go.

What's on my mind: Don't be careless with other people's feelings. Don't put up with people who are careless with yours.
What's on my iPod: Wham! - Careless Whisper

TMI Tuesday #144

2008-07-23T23:22:00.000-07:00

Farting Edition

1. Are your farts;
a. Silent but deadly
b. All sound, no fury
c. Loud and stinky
usually a.
2. Have you ever farted in front of a lover? Who was the 1st one to do it? How did they or you handle it.
Ok, once I dated a guy who had a real issue with it - he would freak out totally if I farted: but he was overly sensitive and weird in general.
When I was with my current Significant Other in the UK, I managed to avoid any farting/major toilet activities in our shared hotel rooms in favour of waiting to use a public restroom.
We have both of us since then farted - audibly - whilst on the phone to each other.
3. Have you ever farted and tried to blame someone else? Who and did you get away with it?
No, but it used to be fun, in a crowded nightclub, to walk through the crowd, drop a bomb and then stand back and watch the reaction.
4. What food triggers you?
Potatoes. Pork. Beans (of course).
5. Varts (Vaginal Farts)
Scary, or an indication of a good time being had by all?
Uncomfortable and awkward.

Bonus (as in optional): When you do fart with someone in your bed, do you cover their head with the sheet and hold them under?
Oh hell no! I've had it done to me though - ugh. Juvenile and dumb.

What's on my mind - I want my S.O. to hurry up and come over. I want to be touched... kissed ... caressed ... fondled .... mmmmm
What's on my iPod: In Extremo - Wind

TMI Tuesday #143 - School Days Edition

2008-07-21T11:52:00.000-07:00

1. What were you known as in HS (Jock, Princess, Geek)
None of the above. I was popular among pretty much everyone. I could hang with the Jocks and Cheerleaders, and I could walk out with the Stoners. I had Hispanic friends, so I would hang around with the Cholas, too.
2. What were you really?
A Geek.
3. If you could go back and tell your 16 year old self one thing, what would it be?
Don't start smoking.
4. If you could erase one moment from your school days what would it be?
When I asked Curtis F. to the Sadie Hawkins Dance and a rubberband flew off my braces and hit him in the face. I was mortified. He, of course, said no.
5. Who did you not date (or more) that you wish you did?
Chris. We were just friends. He was "too nice"

Bonus (as in optional): If you went to prom, describe your outfit.
I did not go to Prom. No one asked me. It didn't bother me: I had no interest in going to Prom.

TMI Tuesday #142 - Deadly Sins Edition

2008-07-07T20:32:00.000-07:00

1. LUST: Besides your current Significant Other who do you lust for or have you lusted for?
Hrrrm ... well, my current celebrity crush, I suppose. I am seriously lusting for my Significant Other, though ... it's been four months since I have seen him, and it will be two more months until I do. I can't wait, mmmm.
2. GLUTTONY: What food brings out your inner glutton?
Doughnuts. Keep them AWAY from me. I can't leave them alone.
3. GREED: What are you greedy for?
Love, attention, affection, approval.
4. SLOTH: What is your plan for an ideal day of sloth?
Sleep late, indulge in a little low-key LUST... followed closely by a dollop of GLUTTONY. Then a nap while I contemplate my sins.
5. WRATH: Describe a time that you let out a can of whoop ass on someone.
It's all too easy to make me lose my temper, so i's been pretty recently: I'd say Friday, when I yelled at my Significant Other. The last time I actually got angry enough to get physical was with my ex; it was a regular occurrence, and not one I would ever care to repeat.
6. ENVY: Who or what do you envy? Why?
Hrm . . . I don't know that I envy anyone. Maybe someone with the willpower to exercise and get in shape. But I don't know anyone like that.
7. PRIDE: Have you ever had to swallow your pride? What are you proud of?
I swallow my pride all the time... It's not that big a deal - I'm not afraid to admit when I'm wrong. I'm proud of who I am and what I've done with my life. I'm proud of my relationship with My Significant Other, because we have had to deal with the difficulties of a long-distance relationship, but we're doing really well. Most of the time, anyway.

What's on my mind: MJE and September 10th, 2008
What's on my iPod: Flogging Molly - Seven Deadly Sins

What IS it?

2008-06-23T15:29:00.001-07:00

Help! I don't know what this is. It's out in the corner of a field near where I work.
It's cool looking, but what the hell is it?

What's on my mind: My cat, Clover, who just breezed through another cancer surgery.
What's on my iPod: Def Leppard - Rocket

TMI Tuesday #136

2008-05-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

1. What lines have you used to let someone down gently.
GET THE FUCK OUT. (I don't believe in gentle.)
2. If I gave you $10K to waste, what would you buy.
a vacation to Europe with my boyfriend
3. If I gave you $10K, but you had to spend it all on someone else, what would you buy.
plane tickets
4. If your partner brought a double dildo to bed, you'd be ____________?
more than happy to use it on him ... and me. Mmmm.... doublesxytime
5. What sounds to you make during sex.
Hrrmm.... depends on the sex. Could be anything from naughty whispering to long, low moans to screaming, gasping, crying out in ecstacy and/or squelchy noises.
Bonus (as in optional): Tell your worst break up story.
I came home early one day and my (then) boyfriend wasn't home - I had suspected he was cheating, so I started snooping around and found proof that he was. I packed a bag, grabbed my address books and took off. I phoned him later from an undisclosed location and told him to GET THE FUCK OUT of my house: he said he wouldn't leave, so I threatened to call the police. The next day I got a restraining order preventing him from coming near me, my house or my workplace. When I went home a couple days later he had moved out and taken a bunch of stuff with him, including the stupid car. His girlfriend (the one he'd been cheating with) kept kicking him out (gee, what a surprise) and he kept coming to me for help so later on that year I drove his idiot ass back home to Canada and left him there.

TMI Tuesday #135

2008-05-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

1. How many credit cards do you own? Are they paid off?
One credit card. Not paid off - I used it to take a trip to the UK in March.
2. Can you be in love with someone you don't trust?
No. Believe me, I have tried.
3. Should prostitution be legal?
Yes. "The World's Oldest Profession" is clearly not going to go away, so why not at least regulate it and tax it?
4. On a scale of 1-10, how good of a lover do you think you are? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest)
9. I'm good. And I'm open to new ideas. But there's always room for improvement.
5. What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?
Being late. Being way too passive or aggressive. Not being groomed.

Bonus (as in optional): Tell us about your worst date ever.
OMG! It was ridiculous. It was my only blind date ever. Years ago I put an ad in the Singles section of the local paper, hoping to meet a few good men (possibly I should have become a recruiter for the Marines). One guy who answered the ad seemed worthy: we talked on the phone and got along well. He told me that he was "a writer". As it turned out, he had never had anything published: he had written some stories but never shared them. Still, we seemed to have similar interests and he seemed intelligent and well-read enough.
When it came time to meet, however, the picture began to change. I had to pick him up, because he didn't drive. I had thought that it was just a quirk - maybe he was one of those people who want to save the environment? But no - as it turned out, he was not allowed to drive. He was on permanent disability. He never divulged the details but I suspect it was due to mental incapacity.
I picked him up waaaay out in the country on some weird farm where he was renting a room. We went somewhere nice and had dinner, where it became clear that he had no social skills whatsoever: he had no clue how to order, deal with staff, or pay at a restaurant. We then went bowling, where, at some point, conversation died out completely between us. The date ended rather awkwardly with me dropping him off at about 8pm back out in the sticks where he lived.
He kept calling me after that, and rather than tell him "I am way out of your league", I ended up telling him I was moving. To Europe. Forever.

What's on my mind: Work work work
What's on my iPod: Lee Jung Hyun - Ba Kkwo

TMI Tuesday #133 .. ok WEDNESDAY

2008-04-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

1. Early bird or night owl?
Well .. when left to my own devices, I prefer to be a night owl - my own natural schedule is to sleep from 2:00 am to 10:00 am. Unfortunately, I have a job and a long distance relationship involving another time zone. So - quality time is now 6:30am.
2. Where was the first place you ever had sex?
On a pink rug in my boyfriend (at the time) Bill's bathroom.
3. On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest)
About a 9. I could be happier, but - I love my job, my life is pretty good. I wish I were in the same place (or at least the same general time zone!) as the object of my desire but...
4. Are you more submissive or dominant?
Errrrm... if I had to say, I'd say I'm more dominant. But I firmly believe in equality.
5. Do you believe in love at first sight?
I don't know. It hasn't happened to me.

Bonus (as in optional): Describe your bed time habits. What side do you sleep on? What do you usual wear? Any night time rituals?
I take diphenhydramine about 10:00 pm. I take a shower between 10:00 and Midnight. By Midnight I am pretty tired. If it's cold I turn on my electric mattress warmer - it's SO nice to slip naked into a warm, cosy bed! Lately I've been chatting up the boyfriend from bed for a bit before I drop off to sleep.

What's on my mind: peace, love, and my new Blackberry
What's on my iPod: Front Line Assmebly - Shicksal

TMI Tuesday #132

2008-04-21T23:14:00.000-07:00

1. Pancakes or waffles? With or without toppings?
Pancakes with butter and melted brown sugar. Waffles with jam, or fruit. Neither one of them very often, though: I always imagine them sitting in my stomach like a rock, after I've eaten them.

2. They say, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." What is the way to your heart?
Honesty and equality. Good hands, hot kisses .... fudgy brownies couldn't hurt, either.

3. Have you ever gone to a topless/clothing optional beach? If yes, did you participate?
Yes, I have and no, I did not participate. No one needs to see that.

4. What song reminds you of a previous relationship (for good or bad)?
Big Wreck - That Song
It's a song about being reminded of a relationship by a song
"and I always get nostalgic with that song .. but in my room, it's forced: it has to be in some car across the street"
It came out when we were together and we listened to it a lot. Hearing the first chords always reminds me of Blair, and of summer, and of driving around with the windows down. It makes me remember the good parts of what was a very bad relationship.

5. When, where and with who was your best kiss ever?
Hrmmmmm ... best kiss ever? That is really hard to say. There's so much more to kissing than just technique - although great technique is appreciated. But a kiss is so much more than just a kiss. The kiss I am thinking most about lately took place in a tiny hotel room in London, in the wee small hours of the morning. What it lacked in technique it made up for in sweetness, a certain innocence, and genuine affection. It was something I had been waiting for; the first kiss from someone I'd slowly come to see in a far different light than I had expected. It was, like most first kisses, full of yearning and anticipation. It felt right, finally. And it was wonderful.

Bonus (as in optional): Does anyone not currently in a relationship with you have pictures or you or your body part(s) that you would prefer that other people not see?
I suspect they are all lost by now but yes, my ex did have a set of really raunchy ones.

What's on my mind: That kiss, thanyouverymuch ... I need to go touch myself now.
What's on my iPod: Lou Gramm - Midnight Blue

TMI Tuesday #131

2008-04-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

1. Did you have to pay or did you get money back?
I owed the state $75 and got back $120 from the Fed.

2. What was your biggest financial mistake?
A few years ago, I got laid off a job I had been in for 15 years. Not only did I get a really great severance package, I took an early distribution out of the 401K I was rolling over into an IRA and paid off all my bills; car, credit cards - everything. I ended up getting another job right away. This sent my income for the year up over 100K and I got taxed at a really high rate - much more than I had planned for. I am still paying the IRS what I owe them, and I had to sell a BMW that I loved to pay the State.

3. Are you a screamer?
Sometimes, definitely.

4. What part of your body, other than your genitals, do you love to have touched? What part of a partner's body, other than their genitals, do you love to touch?
I love to have my neck and shoulders stroked and kissed. It makes me melt. I love running my hands over my lover's shoulders, back, and chest.

5. What catch phrase best describes your life?
"Live Well" (Kaiser Permanente HealthCare's slogan)

Bonus (as in optional): What was the last thing you took without permission? What was the last thing taken from you without your permission?
A woman at work took the tape recorder I use to tape meetings out of my desk. (She does this often and it drives me bananas). I took it back from her desk when she wasn't around.

What's on my mind: sxytime
What's on my iPod: Goldfrapp - Ooh La La

Look, Your Worshipfulness, let's get one thing straight. I take orders from just one person: ME.

2008-04-14T15:40:00.000-07:00

What's on my mind: My foot. I sanded it off, I shit you not. PedEgg works good. Too good.
What's on my iPod: Rammstein

Current Mood: Yeeehaaaaaaaaaaa!

This first appeared in my livejournal blog in August, 2005

TMI #128

2008-03-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

1. Stubble... good or bad? How often do you shave?
Stubble, in general, is bad. My own leg stubble - yuck! I can't sleep unless I've shaved my legs. That being said, I've gotten mild razorburn from a particularly heated makeout session, and it was totally worth it.
2. If someone shoves you up against a wall while kissing you, your reaction is?
OH HELL YES!
3. Did you ever own a fake ID?
No. I did hang out in a bar in my hometown when I was 19 (the drinking age is 21 here). I don't know why they thought I was 21, but they did.
4. Have you ever played a game which may require you or others to disrobe?
Yes. Strip poker. I remember getting down to just my friend's borrowed tuxedo jacket in college.
5. Have you ever had sex in the snow? Rain?
No, but sex in the rain has long been a fantasy of mine.

Bonus (as in optional): Tell us about your last boyfriend/girlfriend?
Hrm. Well - the last guy I designated as a boyfriend was an online thing, and for two months we talked on the phone - every day - for hours. We had a really great time, and I was ecstatically happy. He was smart, and funny, and wonderful. We were counting down the days - and then the hours - until he was coming to visit me. On the day he was supposed to fly out to meet me, he disappeared. It turned out he'd never even bought a ticket and he was not at all who he said he was. So - I can't actually tell you about him, because apparently I never actually knew him.

In real news: I applied for and got a different (better) job at the company I work for - same pay, more fun, and less stress - and a corner office with a view!

What's on my mind: Be careful what you wish for - you just might get it.
What's on my iPod: Metallica - King Nothing

2008-03-17T21:45:00.000-07:00

TMI Tuesday #127 (Day After Green Beer Edition)

1. In the midst of a hangover have you ever promised to "never drink again?" How long until you broke that vow?
I don't get bad hangovers so .. no, not really. I have vowed never to drink Ouzo again ... and so far I have not broken that vow.
2. What is the stupidest thing you have ever done while drinking (or not if it is really stupid) but thought it seemed like a good idea at the time?
Stolen a tractor.
3. On a scale of 1-10, where do you rate green beer?
0. Never had it. Never will.
4. Have you ever kissed someone you shouldn't have (drunk or sober)?
Yes. I was afraid his Mum would come downstairs and kill me.
5. What is the stupidest thing you have ever seen a drunk do (besides driving a car)?
Hit a fire hydrant, and then claim that it jumped out in front of him.

Bonus (as in optional): How do you cure your hangover(s)?
Big greasy cheeseburger. Large coffee, lots of sugar.

What's on my mind: moving on
What's on my iPod: Front Line Assembly - Shicksal

Road Worrier

2008-03-02T12:26:00.001-08:00

Some people should not be allowed to drive - they are just too stupid.
Seriously - there shouldn't be just an arbitrary age where you become legal to drive, (or drink, or vote, or breed) - you should have to reach a certain level of intelligence as well. Yes, you must be sixteen. You must also pass not only a driving test, but an entire battery of aptitude tests. Why not throw in a psychological examination as well?
Who decided sixteen was old enough to drive, anyway? Age is not a measure of how ready you are for anything.
Age really is just a number. I have actually considered lying about mine: I think people judge me because I don't fit into their idea of how a 45-year-old should be. I don't look 45, and I certainly don't act it. Why would I let my age define me? I had a friend confess that he'd told me he was older when we first met because I'd have thought he was immature (which he is not - he rocks, actually; he's funny, talented, driven, and he's doing something he loves).
Wisdom and maturity definitely come with age. But it's not all about the number of years you've been around. It's about the of things you've done, the experiences you've had and what you've learned. It's about how you've dealt with the things life has given you, good and bad. You can deal with things like an adult at any age. My neice, even when she was small, was quite matter-of-fact about most everything. I don't think my sister ever had to deal with the Terrible Twos: my niece just deals with things very calmly. (I have no idea where she inherited that - must be a recessive gene!)
Anyway ... things at work haven't been going well. I like my job but I don't love it. It's pretty stressful. I've thought about doing something different or going back to doing what I'm good at ... what's easy. But see, I find that boring. My current job is challenging and I'm learning a lot. I think, despite the stress, that in the long run, this job is worth fighting for.
But not right now. Right now, I am on vacation for two weeks - I leave day after tomorrow for the UK Road Trip (we're doing a lot of driving) and I'm excited - and a wee bit nervous. Luckily my darling doctor wrote me a scrip for Ativan.
I'll deal with work when I get back. Maybe.

What's on my mind: packing and leaving!
What's on my iPod: The Who - Going Mobile

TGIF

2008-02-15T14:56:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was Valentine's Day. Or as I like to refer to it, Singles Awareness Day - a day when all of us are reminded that we're single and therefore failures or something... Yeah, I'm single. I also have a life that I love and a whole lot of really good friends. I think it's ridiculous that society still looks upon single people with pity, and thinks we can't possibly be happy until we're in love with Mr. Perfect. God forbid we're not half of a couple. No matter how clever, how smart, how successful we become, we're still expected to be swept off our feet and buy into the trappings of happy coupledom. It's a load of shit.
Anyway, being the romantic that I am, I took my beloved BMW, Gunther, to get a smog check. The mechanic praised me on G's "immaculate" condition. Well - yeah. I love my little car and I take good care of the things I love.
I took myself out for a lovely salmon dinner afterwards. I had hoped to get lucky too, but I had a slight headache and went to bed early.
Spent the morning talking to the British faction, finalizing plans for my trip ... it's less than 3 weeks away! I'm so excited ... London, Cambridge, Edinburgh, Buchanan Castle and Cardiff .. maybe a day in Ireland!

What's on my mind: England!
What's on my iPod: Puhdys - Hiroshima

Super TMI Tuesday

2008-02-05T18:10:00.000-08:00

Props to the gang at TMI Tusday

1. By what nickname(s) were you known as a child?
Carrot. Sister.

2. Do you have a favorite poem and, if so, what is it? Recite it (or a snippet) here, please.
Ulysses by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

There lies the port: the vessel puffs her sail:
There gloom the dark broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toil’d, and wrought, and thought with me
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads - you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;
Death closes all: but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
’Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

3. What is your greatest regret in life, something that you failed to do that you wish you did?
Ummm.. I can't think of anything. I haven't failed to do anything - I'm not done!

4. You are tired and hungry, but it's too late to cook. If any snack food were available to you, what would you choose and why?
Peanut butter on graham crackers, with a huge glass of ice-cold milk. It's delicious, and comforting.
Or Jarlsberg swiss cheese and avocado on Stoned Wheat crackers. With a beer. Delicious, filling and bordering on healthy!

5. What is the oldest item of clothing (not jewelry!) that you wear regularly and what do you love about it?
A red top that I bought years ago. It's great fabric, it fits perfectly, it's red, which I love, and it's a classic, clean style that will always be in fashion.

Bonus - as in optional: Name a movie or TV show that changed your thinking or behavior.
Quadrophenia, maybe: I doubt any movie or TV show could influence me that much, but at the time Quadrophenia came out, I was a punk rocker, and that movie drew a bold line between the Rockers and the Mods that I hadn't really seen before. It made me see how different groups of people were in a way I hadn't really thought about before.

What's on my mind: February 13th at 8:50pm
What's on my iPod: UFO - Love To Love

TMI Tuesday

2008-01-29T23:28:00.000-08:00

1. Would you stay in a relationship with an physically unfaithful partner?
No. I've been cheated on and it hurts. I believe in monogamy. I think, if you love someone, you are open and honest with them. Unfaithful implies you have no faith - no belief - in the person, and in the relationship. Why would I stay in a relationship with someone who had no faith in me? Who had no faith in us?
2. Would you stay in a relationship with an emotionally unfaithful partner?
Same as above: unfaithful is unfaithful. Emotional cheating is almost worse than physical - it's a deeper betrayal. Like I said above - open and honest.
3. On a scale of 1-10, how important is the recognition of birthdays to you (your's, a friend's, a partner's)?
Meh - I'd say about an 8. My birthday is less important as I grow older. But it's nice to have a Special Day! My best friend is going to take me to Chez Panisse for my birthday this year. It's going to be fabulous! Be it a friend or a partner, I think making their birthday extra special is a lovely gesture.
4. When you have a "toe-curling" orgasm, do your does curl up, or down?
I have no idea: when I have a toe-curling orgasm, my actual toes are about the last thing on my mind!
5. Every one has a pet peeve, tell me one of yours.
Everyone else on the highway when I am driving.

Bonus (as in optional):
Name someone famous who you have no sexual interest in but would have sex with just to brag about it?
Elvis

reparation

2008-01-27T16:22:00.000-08:00

telling secrets to the moon
a thing on the ground catches my eye and
I look down; it’s my heart lying there
broken shards, tarnished pieces
the jagged edges catching moonbeams
I pick up the rusted thing
barely recognizable; I look closely
I wipe dirt and scrape blood
I pull, pry, and tear at layers, rusted hinges screaming
lay it bare? It may bruise
open it? It may bleed
I take a deep breath and summon the courage
to unfasten, to open, expose,
I release fear, loss, ignorance

It’s hollow now, a skeleton
like a lantern; I light the fire, awaken life

Finally for a second I look up and imagine
My spirit soaring amongst the moonbeams

Schicksal ...

2008-01-24T07:45:00.000-08:00

... hat in der tat, hin und her gerissen das eis weg von meinem herzen.

Resurrect me

2008-01-21T14:16:00.000-08:00

preserve me, devour me
scour me, expose me
succor me, impale me
wrap yourself in me
flesh, blood and bone

pulse in me, still me
scald me, cool me
saturate me, drain me
inject yourself in me
flesh, blood and bone

succumb to me, crush me
twist in me, forsake me
immolate me, create me
conceive yourself in me
flesh, blood and bone

Resurrection

2008-01-21T01:11:00.000-08:00

A thing all shadows
devious, elusive
asleep in distant, silvery silences

Changed now, alive, roaring
honest and solid in my core
leviathan, warm, and hungry
demanding no less than
flesh, blood and bone

Brogger

2008-01-18T18:17:00.000-08:00

I have far too many computer-related hobbies ...
yet another discovery is Engrish, which basically allows people to post really bad translations from Japanese. I was giggling my ass off all day, between bouts of feeling like I was about to projectile vomit. (I'm coming down with the flu).

This picture is my favourite:

So, is that a step up from Unholy Bitch?

TMI Tuesday

2008-01-15T19:02:00.000-08:00

1. If they kept stats of your sex life like they do in sports, what would you lead the league in? what all time record would you hold?
Longest Blow Job, possibly. I was determined to get this guy off who said he couldn’t get off that way.

2. What song gets you in the mood to have sex? best music to fuck to? best music to make love to?
There’s so much music I love ... and so many ways I like to have sex, it’s hard to think of just one song. For pure unadulterated sexy, I love Glory Box by Portishead. It’s sensual, and it makes me think of a certain person… For just fucking, I’d love to throwdown and get hot and sweaty to some Rammstein.

3. Where is your favorite place to have sex in your house/apartment?
Hmm … well, my bed is a fabulous place to have sex. It’s warm, cozy, well appointed, with ambient lighting. I can relax in my bed. But there’s always the bathroom counters, the couches … again: I like to mix it up. Narrowing it down to one place is not an option.

4. (girls) Have you sent or given your used panties to a guy? Do you know what happened to them? (guys) Have you taken/asked for a girls panties before? What did you do with them? (non-breeders) What is the protocol for this “tradition”?
No.

5. What makes a kiss a great to you?
A great kiss is a combination of the tangible and intangible. The kiss itself, the intensity of it, can either fit the mood, the scene, the situation. Or it can alter it. A great kiss can change the way you see someone. A truly great kiss is one of the most intimate things two people can share. It involves more than just lips, tongue and hands. You feel a great kiss all the way from your head to your toes, with a long, steamy stop in your groin.

Bonus: Who pays for a date? If the girl asks a guy out, does she pay? If you are interested in same sex partners, how do you determine who pays?
In an actual dating situation, the asker should usually pay, regardless of sex. If it’s friends hanging out, I think you can totally play it by ear. Some occasions warrant picking up the check. I don’t see what same-sex has to do with it – aren’t we past the era when the man was supposed to always pick up the check?

Open Arms

2008-01-14T03:05:00.000-08:00

... and eyes, apparently. I can't sleep. 3:05 m and here I sit, wide-eyed as a marigold.
I suspect the culprit is hormones, and a happy suspense. Could this be Love? Lust? Both?

I need to kiss him soon.

What's On My Mind: see above
What's On My iPod: Emigrate - Help Me

Blood

2008-01-10T20:58:00.000-08:00

I donated a pint of my sweet, sweet blood today. It was fuckin' hilarious, because I went with my partner in corporate crime, TBone. We almost got kicked out in the first five minutes: I read aloud the question "have you been paid for sex with money or drugs in the past 12 months?" and then said "Hell no, she gives it away for free!" and the chick giving the questionnaire gets all snippy and says "That information is supposed to be confidential."
Not to mention "Are you, or could you be, pregnant?" Uhm ... if I was pregnant right now, a star would rise in the east, mmkay?
The last time I gave blood, I remember it being painful. This time didn't hurt (even though that is one goddamn BIG needle) but I did have to ask them "Is it normal to see stars?" after a fit of laughter. They made me relax and they put cool compresses on me.
Afterwards, we had a juice-chugging contest, a couple cookies, and they gave us each a $50 gift certificate towards a cruise on The Bay. I feel pretty good about doing something nice, plus ... where else can you be given a snack and told not to excercise?

I Walked With A Zombie

2008-01-08T16:40:00.000-08:00

I left work early to go see my doctor for a repeat mammogram and managed to wrangle a same-day appointment to have my injured knee looked at.
After finally securing a spot in the clusterfuck known as the Kaiser parking garage, I shamble down to Diagnostic Imaging, which is located in the basement of the Hospital part of the clinic, through a maze of corridors. I'm walking pretty slow because my knee is stiff and sore, and when I see myself reflected in a window, I'm reminded of this spooky old movie, with a lone zombie walking down this dark beach. You could just tell an evil little wind was blowing as the zombie lurched slowly, silently, inexorably along. Creepy.
I finally reach the inner sanctum, check in, and get my boobs squashed. It's wildly uncomfortable. While I wait in the hall, filling out paperwork, a girl sits next to me. I glance at her: she is dark haired, light eyes and skin. Sortof gothy. She is crying. I reach out and take her hand and at first, she pulls it away. Then she relaxes and lets me hold it. I hold her hand silently for a minute and look at her. She reminds me of me.
The technician calls my name and I give her hand a squeeze, and I tell her "It will be all right" before I go. The tecnician tells me "the fluid filled mass hasn't changed since the last time" (this is the first I've heard of it) and that "it's probably nothing" and that they will keep an eye on it. I shuffle away silently, half wishing someone would hold MY hand.
It's an hour and a half before my knee appointent, so I stop in the Hospital Gift Shop, perusing the magazines, the overly decorative tchotchkes, the fake flowers, and buy myself a cubic zirconia ring for $20. I stop in the pharmacy to kill some time shopping for over-the-counter items at cheap member prices, then head over to Medicine Two.
I'm early, but my doctor is running ahead of schedule, so he sees me right away. We talk a little about my mammo: he assures me nothing looks abnormal and that if the fluid filled mass bothers me, they can aspirate it.
He pokes and prods my knee a bit, then lays me on the table, pushing and pulling my leg in a bunch of ways. Some of them hurt, enough so I don't think about the fact that he's probably the last man to have laid me down and touched my semi-clothed body, back in May when I had a viral infection.
He prescribes an anti-inflammatory, a heat pad, and sends me back down to Diagnostic Imaging for an X-Ray. Back down through the maze and into the basement I go. Slowly.
I lay on my back. Bzzzt. I lay on my side. Bzzzt.
It's raining hard when I leave and a woman gets into the elevator with me. She has six small girls with her... six! They're all thrilled to be riding the elevator and I get the smallest one to push the button for the third floor.
A car is parked next to me, too close: my ass gets wet squeezing past it and through my door.
I come home: the cats, as usual, are waiting at the door. I make tea, and heat the heating pad. I nap. I blog.

TMI Tuesday

2008-01-07T22:43:00.000-08:00

1) Do you have/ever had any dating or sex superstitions? (Wear 'lucky jeans' on first date, always light a vanilla candle, etc.) If so, what are they?
I used to always use hair conditioner on my pubes if I thought I was going to get laid. Now, I wax so - that's a non-issue. On a date, I would probably wear my red top: I don't know if it's lucky or not. It's just a cool top and red is definitely my colour.

2) If you were stranded on the old deserted island, and a genie appeared who could only grant you one wish -- to bring one of the following people to join you, who would it be?
- your spouse/significant other
- an unrequited love or some person you've had a crush on
- an old/past love
- your best friend
My best friend. Y is fun, and smart and together we'd kick that island's ass and make it our own.

3) Tell us "weather or not" you're in the mood -- how does rain, snow, sleet, scorching heat, sweltering humidity etc. affect your libido.
Hrm. I have always wanted to have sex in the pouring rain. If it's too hot out, especially if it's also humid, I kinda don't want to be touched. Snow seems romantic - though a bit chilly for sex. Maybe in front of a roaring fireplace, with a snowstorm raging outside ... thanks, now I have to go touch myself ...

4) Are you a crying drunk, an angry drunk, a 'I'm drunk, let's screw' sort of a drinker?
I'm more of an "I'm drunk, let's screw" than any of the others - although that would totally depend on who I'm drinking with: I'm a very friendly drunk.

5) Who turns you on the most & why:
the activist
the author
the care-giver/healer (nurse, doctor, masseuse, herbalist, chiropractor etc.)
the comedian
the educator (professor, teacher, mentor etc.)
the model
the musician
the politician
the scientist
Hrm. A comedian could make you laugh - and laughter is almost always a good thing, though possibly not a sexy thing. The musician is creative: that could be very interesting. I'd have to choose the author, though: he's creative ... and probably smart, insightful, thoughtful and imaginative as well: great traits in a lover!

Bonus (as in optional): Looking back, what's the one thing you've done which was supposed to be erotic, but didn't quite work out?
I bought a corset to wear when someone returned home from a business trip. He took one look at it and blurted out "lingerie really doesn't turn me on!"

TMI Tuesday 2008

2007-12-30T12:05:00.000-08:00

1. Last week was "The Most Wonderful time of the Year", but what are your favorite 2007 memories?
Laughing with my friends, meeting the C, starting to really like job, learning ...
2. What is the best thing you learned in 2007?
That I'm proud of me.
3. On a scale of 1-10, how good was your 2007?
An eight or a nine. I'm pretty happy - but I know I could be happier.
4. What is your wish for 2008? What is your wish for someone else for 2008?
To be more motivated. For someone else: that they learn to find love and peace in their own heart.
5. If you knew that you were going to die in 2008 what one thing would you do?
Tell the people that I love how much they have meant to me. Tell them that I love them.

Bonus (as in optional):Do you make New Year's resolutions? What is/are your's for 2008?
Not officially, but I'd like to try and run the Nike Women's Half Marathon in Ocotber.

?

2007-12-19T18:04:00.000-08:00

I know it's cold. I know. And I feel for Uma THurman. I mean ... she's basically got no insulating body fat. The girl has got to keep warm somehow. But ...

Surely there has to be a better way.

What's on my mind: I work too much.
What's on my iPod: Dry Kill Logic - Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck

TMI Tuesday

2007-12-18T19:01:00.000-08:00

1. Are you done with your shopping yet?
No, I still need to get something nice for my parents.
2. What is your favorite sexual position?
Doggy style. Good position for hitting the gspot, plus clit access.
3. On a scale of 1-10, how open are you to trying new sexual things?
Very open - I'd say a 10.
4. What present are you hoping to get this year?
See #2 - LOL that would be nice. No - I hope I get the high capacity 12-cell battery for my new laptop: I need it for a trip I am taking this spring.
5. With your current partner (or your last partner) how often was the sex better than just good?
The sex was GREAT most of the time with Jerm.

Bonus (as in optional):Can a relationship that you are part of survive on sex alone? Could it survive a prolonged period of abstinence?
Sex alone would make a boring relationship. I like sex, don't get me wrong. But at the end of the day, I want someone I can talk to as well. So no. I don't think so.
Could it survive a long period of abstinence? That would depend on the circumstances. You don't just end a relationship because someone can't perferm sexually. But if they won't for whatever reason ... I'd say there were underlying problems and the realtionship's in deep doo-doo anyway.

Mood: stressed
What's on my iPod: Cake - War Pigs

Hi there

2007-11-29T23:27:00.000-08:00

Wow - have I been slacking or what?
Hrm. . . I have been busy. With work, with life, with ... stuff.
Hrm... ok the biggest thing that happened recently is motorcycle school, at which I failed miserably. I aced the lecture and exam parts... but when it came to actual riding ... I was a nervous wreck, and the very cute South African instructor made me get off the bike before I became another kind of wreck.
And after a lot of pondering and souls searching I decided it's not a fear I would easily overcome, and that I could die in the process and so - motorcycle riding is not for me.
AND since I am not buying a motorcycle - that frees up some funds and I can persue my next big dream which is - a trip across the Atlantic! I'm still at the research stage but when I find a good deal - I am booking a flight to England! I won't go until probably March. I don't know how I will last until then .. I am so excited!

TMI Tuesday

2007-10-25T08:05:00.000-07:00

1. What are your 7 favorite tactile things that turn you on? Sex (like oral, or penetrative) cannot be an answer. (Examples: silk, light tickling, etc).
The blanket on my bed (it's super-soft, light and fluffy)
Kissing, especially my neck, ears and shoulders
Having my hair played with
Having my feet rubbed
My bare skin after I shave or wax ... it's so soft and smooth
Water - a warm shower or bath feels delicious; so does swimming naked
The sun on my face
The wind in my hair

2. What are your non-genital errogenous zones and what do you like done to them?
Neck and shoulders - I like them to be kissed, carressed and lightly bitten.

3. What sounds get you sexually charged?
Rock n' roll, especially fast, driving metal. got rammstein?

4. After losing your virginity, what is the longest you’ve gone without penetrative sex?
A year, I think.

5. What is your least favorite sexual position? Why don't you like it?
Me on top facing his feet (Reverse Cowgirl). Nothing to look at, nothing to hang onto, I can't see his face, and it's a lot of work.

Bonus (as in optional):If you could sexually dominate or submit to 5 people - any 5, currently living or deceased - which 5 would it be?
Hrm... well - as you know, I am into equality, so hardcore domination/submission isn't really part of my repertoire. But, if I were to play around a little:
1. Richard Kruspe, because he's just so damn hot, and for whatever reason (because he's German and in a metal band?), I can imagine him being a little bit kinky. But I'm not sure whether I'd dominate him or submit to him. I suppose we could take it in turns.
2. If I have to be dominated, I'd like it to be by a professional Dominatrix.
I can't really think of anyone else .. maybe I will update later.

TMI Tuesday the 104th

2007-10-08T21:43:00.000-07:00

1. Wash up, cuddle or fall asleep?
That depends: if lube was used and things got sweaty, it's definitely shower-time. Then we can cuddle and fall asleep ... or not ;)
2. Have you ever faked orgasms?
Yes. And faking an orgasm in the biggest booby prize EVER. I don't do it anymore - it's not worth it. I used to do it if things weren't moving along fast enough, or I felt like he wasn't going to quit trying until I came. Now I'm more likely to say "Hey - it's not gonna happen for me this time, and I have an early meeting. Let's close the deal and get some sleep."
3. In any 24 hour period, what is the most number of time you have ever had sex?
Erm .. about 8 I think. It was years ago.
4. Have you ever had sex or given/received oral sex while you were driving a car?
Yes! All of the above. I like cars. Auto-eroticism is a huge turn-on for me.
5. What do you think is the average number of sexual partners your sex has in their lifetime? Do you think most people lie when asked?
The average for women? I'd say 20 or 30. Do most people lie? That probably depends on who is doing the asking: if I was with a guy who I felt might be very sensitive about the number of partners I've had (lets just say it's more than the average) I might be tempted to do a little creative bookkeeping.
Bonus (as in optional):Can men and women be "just friends?" (Explain)
Yes. A couple of my best friends are guys and we get along fine.

What's on my mind: NO MORE DRAMA! Please!
What's on my iPod: The new Emigrate CD

рады годовщины*

2007-10-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

On 4 October 1957, the Soviet Union launched the world's first artificial satellite.

Sputnik 1 was launched from Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan, then part of the former Soviet Union. The Russian word "Sputnik" means "companion" ("satellite" in the astronomical sense). Sputnik orbited the Earth, emitting radio signals for 22 days and burned upon re-entering the atmosphere on October 26th.
It was a huge achievement for the Russians in that they dragged technology into the 21st century. It was also pretty much the kickoff that began The Space Race, and thus was probably a major factor in igniting (if you'll pardon the pun) the United States' space program.
It also started a fashion trend called the "Sputnik lamp", which usually consists of a metallic sphere with bars jutting out in multiple directions holding light bulbs or lamp globes at the ends.

Anyone else think it kinda resembles that damned Ball from the Phantasm movies?

*Happy Anniversary

What's on my mind: walking/running/stress relief
What's on my iPod: Silly Wizard - The Queen of Argyll

TMI Tuesday #103

2007-10-02T08:10:00.000-07:00

1. Early bird or night owl?
Night owl, definitely.
2. If you could only be one, would you rather be smart or good looking?
Smart (as luck would have it, I am both *wink*)
3. Do you gossip?
No. Okay - if it were something really juicy and no one could get hurt by me telling it, I might. But typically no - if someone tells me something, it goes into The Vault.
4. On a scale of 1-10, how adventurous are you? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest)
About a 9 - I like to try new things, and I'm a bit of a daredevil (rock climbing, motorcycling) but there's stuff I won't do. Like eat bugs or go in caves.
5. On a scale of 1-10, how good a kisser do you think you are?
10, I think. It's been a while.

Bonus (as in optional):What do you consider the biggest turn on out of the following? a) lingerie b) movies c) toys d) role playing e) leather f) none of this does anything for me
I would say movies or role playing. I haven't done much of the latter - I'd definitely like to try more!

What's on my mind: dandruff :(
What's on my iPod: Fear Factory - Invisible Wounds

TMI um... Thursday?

2007-09-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

TMI #102
1. Who did you think you would marry in elementary school?
I don't remember thinking about marriage in elementary school. In fact, I've only sortof briefly thought seriously about marriage ever.
2. Which muppet is your favorite? Why?
Gonzo. Because he's funny and a little twisted and really misunderstood.
3. Which politician would you most like to screw? [For pleasure or revenge]
San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome – because he’s hot. Gee-Dubya I’d screw – with a strap-on and no lube – for revenge.
4. How did you first find the g-spot?
Using a vibrator curved specifically for that purpose.
5. What is the best costume you've ever worn?
Zombie.
Bonus (as in optional):Does pornography liberate or deteriorate society?
Well ... I think that depends on how it’s presented. I see sides of the coin: In Europe, pornography is pretty much out in the open – sex shops are right there next to the show stores and they openly display their wares in the window. I don't know how this affects society, though.
Here in the US, we’re exposed to MTV and media content that is pretty sexual, and I think teens are suffering because of it. There’s pressure to look sexy WAY too early – as well as pressure to have sex. When I was 13 I had NO IDEA what a blowjob was. Seriously. NOT A CLUE. Kids need to enjoy being kids a while without all this pressure to act like little adults.
I'm all for pornography and openness about sexuality - FOR ADULTS. I think it's harmful for kids who aren't ready for it.

TMI #101
1. What is one thing a your significant other could do to you to rock your world?
Treat me as an equal. Respect me.
2. Which super power (ability to turn invisible, ability to read people's thoughts, or invulnerability) would you take and why?
Hrm … of the three, I think I'd choose invisibility.
3. Would you rather be tied up or tie someone else up? Why?
Tie someone else up. I have issues with being tied up.
4. What is your best physical and non physical asset?
Best physical? My eyes maybe. Or big boobs. My best non-physical asset is my ability to adapt and change.
5. If they were naming new Dwarves beyond the seven what would your name be and why?
Geeky – the I.T. Dwarf

Bonus: What's the most embarrassing thing you ever bought?
Preparation H

Thanks, as always, to the fabulous gang at TMI Tuesday.

What's on my mind: I'm too busy to think
What's on my iPod: Dover - Let Me Out

TMI Tuesday #100*

2007-09-22T21:57:00.000-07:00

*still not Tuesday. I'm behind: this was meant to be posted September 11th, 2007

1. Where was the first place you ever had sex?
On the bathroom floor of my then-boyfriend Bill's brand-new apartment.
2. Does size matter? (open to interpretation boys and girls)
Yes and no. Size is not the be-all, end-all, and it's certainly not a deal-breaker. That having been said, I have been with men who were too small, and it kinda sucked. I've also been with men who were uncomfortably large. That kinda sucked too.
3. Have you ever had sex in your office or your place of employment?
Yes. Not the current place of employment, but at the one before this - yes.
4. Ever been skinny dipping?
Yes! I love water and I love being naked.
5. Top or bottom?
Yes, please! I like to mix it up so - both! All right - if I had to choose, I'd say I prefer the bottom so I can relax. That is, if I feel like relaxing ... I don't always.

Bonus: Where were you September 11, 2001? What were you doing when you first heard about the twin towers?
I'm on Pacific time, so I was waking up, getting ready, and driving to work when it started. I was unaware that anything had happened until I got to work. No one was working - they were all gathered around the radio, listening to the news. I remember one coworker saying to me "The United States is under attack" and I thought "How is that possible?" To this day I remember that feeling - that the safety I had always taken for granted was just ... gone.
The planes had crashed, and as we listened, we heard the news of the towers collapsing, one by one. I was stunned: we all were. I phoned home - I lived with a boyfriend at the time - and woke him up and told him. We talked about whether we knew anyone who lived or worked in New York or the Pentagon. Some of us were crying. Most of us were praying. I saw people crying everywhere that day - and strangers going up and putting their arms around each other. After that the flags started flying, first a few here and there - then there were American flags simply everywhere.

TMI Tuesday #99*

2007-09-22T21:36:00.000-07:00

1. What did you eat for dinner yesterday?
A turkey patty on whole wheat bread.
2. How much cash is in your purse/wallet right now?
$15.49 USD
3. What have you done to avoid being flirted with by someone you didn't like?
Told them I already had a boyfriend or was married. I actually own a couple of great fake wedding sets to support the illusion.
4. Do you believe the theory "Once a cheater always a cheater"?
Not at all. I cheated once - a long time ago. I regret it and would never do it again. I think it's up to the individuals involved whether to forgive and move on.
5. Describe your sex life in two words.
Um ... masturbation is sex, right? My sex life right now is ... hrm... Fantastic and ... battery-operated.
Bonus (as in optional): Would you/have you ever paid money for sex?
No. (as in HELL NO)

* yes I know - it's not Tuesday

On The Road

2007-09-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

Well ... I'm finally going to do it. Something I have wanted to do for a long time. November 1st I start motorcycle school.
I'm totally stoked. So much so, in fact, that I went out and bought the very handsome helmet you see here.

In other news:
I went to Cleveland last weekend to meet a bunch of folks from my internet chatroom. Everyone was so nice ... it was a LOT of fun. I got to meet people I've been talking to for years.

My boss is trying to make me insane: today he stopped me in the lobby on my way out of the building, to tell me someone complained about something I did. That's so inappropriate!

I got a call from a recruiter last week - about an Optics job. While I do miss Optics ... do I really want to go back to it? It's so specialized. And so very unstable - I've been laid off from no less than three Optics jobs. And this job would mean a pretty huge commute.
But I'll tell ya - on days like today... it's very tempting.

Happy TMI Tuesday

2007-08-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

TMI Tuesday #98

1. What is the best relationship advice you've ever received?
"Stay away from those internet guys"
2. How many people have you dated at once? How many people do you think it is acceptable to date at once?
Um.. two I think. I think it's acceptable to date as many as you want as long as you are 1. being perfectly honest with everyone involved so no one gets hurt and 2. practicing safe sex.
3. What made your worst kiss so bad?
Sloppy, weird tasting and knowing he was wearing dentures (GROSS!!!)
4. Can a relationship last if the sex is bad?
No. Unless you work to change it. But assuming you can't or won't - forget it. If you can't talk openly and honestly enough to improve your sex life together, you certainly won't be able to work through the hard ... errr ... difficult things life throws at you.
5. What one thing would you like your partner to do every time you have sex with them?
Kiss me like he means it, long and slow and deep.

Bonus (as in optional): What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I was going to say "tits" but those aren't exactly a secret.
Uhhh ... my razor wit and brilliant sense of humor? Oh, and I like to give head. Guys seem to love that ...

TMI Tuesday the 97th

2007-08-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

1. What’s the deal with blue balls?
I think it's a myth perpetrated by guys. I don't OWN a pair so I don't know, but seriously - if it were that bad, couldn't he just rub one out?
2. What is the hottest vehicular sex scene in a movie?
In Crash, when James Spader and Holly Hunter go at it in his car after a crash. Weirdly erotic and absolutely riveting.
3. Strap-on? yes, no, give, receive?
It's long been a fantasy of mine - to strap one on and give it to a guy. Grudge? Maybe just a little .. but I think, if a guy wants to do that to me ... he should be prepared to take it as well. After all, there is nothing, physiologically speaking, about a woman that would make her like that any more than a man. Indeed - men have a prostate gland that likes to be stimulated.
As for recieving it ... hrm I guess so. But do me a favor and use lots o' lube.
4. What is the average penis length?
Six inches
5. How do you stimulate his prostate? Guys, do you like it?
Yes. With a well-lubricated finger.

Bonus (as in optional): Confession Tuesday... tell me a secret!
A secret? I'm not good at keeping my own secrets, so they're rarely secrets. And I'm too good a friend to give away someone else's secrets.
I guess my biggest secret is that I talk to myself. I think it's because sometimes ... I like to pretend I'm not alone.

TMI Tuesday #96

2007-08-14T12:29:00.000-07:00

1. Define "infidelity" as it relates to a relationship. Have you ever been guilty of infidelity? Have you ever been the victim of infidelity? Have you ever been a participant in someone else's infidelity?
Infidelity in a relationship - any relationship - is something you're doing which you know would hurt the other person. It might be completely non-sexual: sharing conversations, secrets, and dreams with someone other than your significant other. It might be in the form of betrayal: sharing things about one person with another person.
The word fidelity comes from the latin fides faith, from fidere to trust.
Anything you do to betray a trust would be infidelity.
Yes, I have been guilty of it. I cheated, a very long time ago, on a very on-and-off boyfriend who had cheated on me. And I lied about it.
Yes, I have been a victim of it. It hurt me very deeply. I am still leery of love.
No, I have not participated in someone else's infidelity: having been cheated on I would never do that to another woman.
2. What is the last thing you stole?
Hrm .. I don't know. It's been a really long time since I stole anything. Probably a bottle of champagne - before I turned 21 - from a 7-11.
3. Name one place in your country that you have never been but would like to visit and why.
The Outer Banks of North Carolina. Because from what I have read, tho coastline there is wild and beautiful, and there are a couple of gorgeous lighthouses. I love the ocean.
4. What movies can you watch over and over again?
Narnia, Armageddon, xXx and Braveheart.
5. Who is the last person you saw naked?
J.Mo aka YahooHotty
Bonus (as in optional): In honor of the 237 reasons we have sex study. Tell us at least five but not more than ten reasons you have had sex.
-because I was into the guy and wanted to make hot monkey love with him
-because I wanted a guy to like me
-to keep warm (we were camping in the snow)
-because the guy was so hot I just had to fuck him
-because I wanted to make someone jealous
-because he wanted to and I was feeling generous
-because it had been a fantasy of mine
-because he was a great kisser
-because it had been awhile
-to get even with someone who cheated on me

You and your hand*

2007-08-14T10:27:00.000-07:00

Seriously ... do you actually think Stripper McFaketits is in it for the long haul?

*you know who you are

Links 2-3-4

2007-08-13T10:14:00.001-07:00

This weekend was the peak of the Perseids meteor shower: I am tired and cranky today because I stayed up late, looking up into the night sky. It was rather humbling, actually, and put things into perspective. I'm a long ways away and I'm very very small, and I need to remember, when it seems like I don't matter - that my problems don't amount to much in the grand scheme of things.

Perseus, for whom the constellation where the meteors seem to originate was named, invented Quoits, lawn game popular in parts of Great Britain (namely Yorkshire). It's rather like horseshoes meets Frisbee golf.
Saturday I hiked with my friend and then met another friend in San Francisco where we shopped, ate and went to a great Irish bar. Pics are here.

TMI Tuesday!

2007-08-06T14:56:00.000-07:00

1. Leather, lace or silk?
What? Sheets? Bras?
2. Do you subscribe (or regularly buy) to any "dirty" magazines? Which ones?
No, but I have an old Playgirl stashed someplace featuring Peter Steele, the gothy and very tall singer from Type O Negative (and let me just say OH MY GOD).
3. Have you ever had sex in water (tub/pool/lake/ocean)?
Are you kidding? I live in Northern California. We invented sex in hot tubs.
4. The three words that best describe you in bed are loud, sensual, and enthusiastic. Three words that best describe your most recent partner in bed are wild, frenetic and crazy.
5. Did you lose your virginity as an impetuous youth, "to prove that you loved" him/her, because of a romantic gesture, a newly wed or other (please describe because I can't think of what an "other" might be)?
Hrm ... I kinda wanted to get it over with. Tom Petty's "Break Down" was playing on the radio and I was scared of the pain. But I was comfortable with my guy (Bill) and I liked him a lot and he'd waited a long time.

Bonus (as in optional): Name three words that:
a) get you excited demolition, fire, tongue-bath
b) make you squirm (in a good way?) "Ich komm weider"
(in a bad way?) Carrot Top, supervisor, meeting
c) make you laugh plonker, Wookie, pod

2007-07-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

TMI Tuesday

2007-07-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

1. What's the sexiest type of underwear?
Boxer briefs. Totally hot on guys (and really comfy!)
2. Would you/have you ever paid money for sex?
No!
3. Is facial/body hair sexy or no? (Moustache, chest, etc. for men, and underarms/legs for women.) Or do you frankly not care?
A goatee can be hot on a guy. Other than that... I kinda like smooth clean skin. Underarm/leg hair on a woman just looks unclean ... like you don't want to get to close, for fear of catching a whiff of stank B.O.
4. What is the strangest thing you've ever seen featured in pornography?
Japanese tentacle porn (anime/manga/hentai)
5. What's worse, not enough sex or too much? Is there such a thing as "too much"?
YES there is such a thing (though it's usually preventable through the wonders of lube). Too much sex can actually be physically painful: chafing, rawness, OWCH!
Too little sex can be cured fairly easily: just let your fingers do the walking and no, I don't mean through the Yellow Pages.

Bonus: What's the most illegal thing you've ever done (that you can admit to, at least)? Were you caught?
Some friends and I stole a car once and traded it for a Baja Bug. No, we weren't caught ... at least not that time. Later on I heard that one of the guys was in jail ... charged with grand theft auto.

Friday the Dorkteenth!!!

2007-07-13T08:57:00.000-07:00

Get you own slogan at www.haveaslogan.com

I am building a Linux box. That's only marginally dorky nowadays, apparently.

TMI Tusday #91

2007-07-09T23:55:00.000-07:00

1. Who was your childhood hero?
My Dad
2. Have you ever had sex with someone who has a myspace page?
Yes.
3. What fantasies have you openly told your partner about?
Ok, I have told a couple of my fantasies to someone. But I am not going to to openly tell everyone. Not even for TMI Tuedsay. If you want something juicy... go read my erotica!
4. Have you ever said you love someone but didn't mean it?
Um .. no, I don't think so. I loved anyone I said it to, if only for that moment.
5. Have you ever woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you?
No. I always left - or made them leave, before that happened.

Bonus (as in optional): Do you remember a time when you were having sex that you smile or even laugh about now? Do tell...
Ohh, yes ... the first time I had sex. I was 15 and I was at my boyfriend Bill's house. We had already done the deed once and Bill wanted to go to Round 2, but didn't have another condom, so he suggested I go down on him. I was extremely nervous, as you might imagine. Right in the middle of tings, Bill farted and we both just cracked up laughing. I still laugh when I think about it.

Weekend Warrior

2007-07-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

I had to work this weekend, so I dragged my bike along with me, and while the printer was printing, took a ride.
Then yesterday, I was supposed to go hiking with The Nez, but I left her too long at the gym and she wore herself out. So after meeting her for a little retail therapy, I started home and then I thought.. why not just go? So I found my way up into Tilden Park, in the Berkeley Hills and I hiked to the top - in the fog. It was awesome.
Here are pictures.
Go me!

TMI Tuesday!

2007-07-03T08:13:00.000-07:00

1. Describe your first kiss.
His name was Mark. Our families were camping in Monterey. It was nighttime and we had gone off by ourselves. My sister and our friend were waiting for me up the road. They had to wait quite I while, if memory serves! He was a good kisser :)
2. Should a person's pubic hair be trimmed, shaved, or just grown out as the jungle God intended it to be?
Trimmed definitely or shaved. Fuck that jungle crap - too messy. And guys - shaving or trimming totally makes your Junk look bigger. I wax and it feels super smooth and sexy.
3. What's the best super-hero comic book movie ever made?
I don't really read comic books. But I loved all the Batman movies - and the latest Batman ... Christian Bale ... is über hot.
4. Coke or Pepsi?
Neither! I'd rather drink water.
5. Have you ever been caught masturbating?
Well ... I "let" my then-boyfriend catch me, knowing he would want to join in. But no - I have never been caught with my pants down in an embarrasing way.
6. Which way do you lean your head when going for a kiss?
Hrm, I don't know. I never paid attention. I will need to reearch this. (Any takers?)
7. Jockstraps, sexy or no?
Depends on the jock!! I would say yes ... most of the time.

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever used the excuse, "Oh, I was so drunk that night, I don't remember a THING!"
No. No excuses. No regrets.

Thanks to TMI Tuesday

H.N.T. The First

2007-06-28T11:00:00.000-07:00

Ok here's me ... busting my H.N.T. cherry

Trivial Pursuit

2007-06-27T16:18:00.001-07:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Carpark!

Carpark became extinct in England in 1486.
Carpark will always turn right when leaving a cave.
Carpark can fly at an average speed of fifteen kilometres an hour.
When Carpark is swallowed, she will enter the blood stream within twenty minutes.
During severe windstorms, Carpark may sway several feet to either side
Some people in Malaysia bathe their babies in beer to protect them from Carpark.
Dolphins sleep at night just below the surface of the Carpark, and frequently rise to the surface for air.
When provoked, Carpark will swivel the tip of her abdomen and shoot a jet of boiling chemicals at her attacker.
Carpark is the only bird that can swim but not fly.
Marie Antoinette never said "Let them eat cake." This is a mistranslation. She actually said "Let them eat Carpark!"

TMI Tuesday Quiz Thang

2007-06-26T16:47:00.000-07:00

1. If you were to face the Wizard of Oz, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart?
Courage. And a BMW Z4M.

2. Have you ever gone to court for anything? What for?
Yes. I was arrested for "failure to appear in court" on a traffic violation. Interestingly enough, last Thanksgiving, I catered a party for the Judge's family, and the Judge drew me aside and gave me a hefty tip.

3. What was the last thing you did that you previously told yourself you wouldn't do?
Phone sex

4. Did you ever have a summer fling while on vacation?
Yeah. I was 15, we were on Vancouver Island, camping. His name was Eric, he was Canadian .. eh.

5. Have you ever done anything sexual with someone who's name you never knew?
Yes. I was around 19, and I picked up a guy on the side of the road, screwed him in my backseat, and dropped him off where I found him.

Bonus (as in optional): What is the best way to mend a broken heart?
Get drunk and listen to death metal! No wait.. that's a typical Saturday night here at Casa De Carpark.
Seriously? Do something really kick-ass like run a marathon or climb a mountain.

stolen from Mr. Zig .. again

Netiquette

2007-06-20T16:22:00.000-07:00

So I’m an internet junkie. I blog, I text, and I email. I chat and I surf and surf and surf.
So I’m looking at a particular site that loves to trash celebrities and there’s a comment from someone about a particular famous couple, whose “crime” is apparently that they’ve adopted some children. There was a comment left to the effect that “we should just blow them up”.
That’s a bit strong, don’t you think?

It never ceases to amaze me how rude people will be under the shroud of anonymity. I've had a few insanely insulting comments left at my blog.
People say things they would never have the cajones to say to someone’s face. And that’s crappy. People are still people … whether they’re sitting across a table from you or sitting across the continent.
The lack of consequences dulls us to the harm we do to others.
And I’m saying “we” this whole time because I am absolutely guilty of it. Not to the point where I’ve ever said someone ought to be blown up. But I’m a sarcastic motherfucker sometimes – and what I think is edgy and funny probably often sounds downright snarky.
There’s also the aspect of misunderstanding to deal with: when you have a real-life conversation, the other person’s body language, facial expressions, and vocal nuances will clue you in as to whether or not the speaker is joking, being silly, etc.
In text chat or via email, you don’t have that. Misunderstandings can ensue. I know of one lifelong friendship that ended all because of a simple one-sentence email.
I’m pondering one such occurrence right now, actually. And wondering whether or not I could have been at fault. I certainly didn’t mean to insult – I threw out what I thought was a funny jibe and the recipient made a comment to the effect that I could essentially go fuck myself and then logged off – the online equivalent of hanging up in my ear.
Oh my.
And after thinking up all the ways I could skewer this person in return for having (in my opinion) overreacted, I thought ... why? Why perpetuate this? I don’t need any more bad karma. So I'm taking the high road. I might even apologize.

And I’m proposing we all try to be a little nicer to each other out there.
I’m going to.

Have a nice summer.

Thar be Pirates!

2007-06-17T19:39:00.000-07:00

So Friday night, I'm down on the Vallejo Waterfront doing my weekday 3-mile walk and what do I see but men in utilikilts ...
First of all, let it be known that I have a major thing for men in kilts. And since utilikilts are by far the manliest version of the kilt ... naturally my perviousity was peaked. So I strolled on over and it seems they were setting up for the First Annual Nor Cal Pirate Festival. (Finally something happens in this freaking town!) So they hand me a flyer, I go home and log on to their website and lo and behold - it's a bunch of the same people as the Renaissance Faire here.
Obviously I went. Here are the pictures to prove it.

In other news - I was pretty busy last week having an actual life. Because of having been ill and then having been coughing, I'd been neglecting a lot of my usual activities, like hiking, climbing, shopping til dropping and socializing in general. No more. I climbed, I hiked, I visited folks, The Nez almost killed me trail running in the Berkeley Hills yesterday - and it was awesome!
I am out and about. I am busy. (Too busy if you ask me!)

And it has now been over a month without smoking! GO ME! And I just realised ... I'm not smoking. I can go back on The Pill and CONTROL MY PMS SYMPTOMS. This is freaking huge. Seriously.

Ja!

2007-06-15T16:21:00.000-07:00

Your German Name is:

Sabine Z. Kruspe

What's Your German Name?

Tagged! and Half Naked Thursday!

2007-06-14T15:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, I got tagged by the infamous (well, among DorkBloggers anyway) zigzagman.
The task at hand: Name 8 Random Facts about yourself.
I've named a LOT of random facts about me in past entries, so I'm going to try and think of eight new and unique things.

Eight Weird Facts About Me:

1. Those "Chicken Soup For The _____ Soul" books make me cry.

2. I hate the smell of cantaloupe.

3. If I could live all summer on nothing but watermelon and avocados, I would.

4. I have lovely, lovely feet. I keep them that way by doing regular pedicures that involve a power tool I bought a Home Depot. Yeah - I (carefully!) sand the calluses off with a Black and Decker Rotary Tool. I favor toenail polish in either a pale pale pink, or a bright colour I'd never dare wear on my fingernails, like blue or shocking pink.

5. I talk to myself. A LOT.

6. I like guy-on-guy porn.

7. I secretly worry that I am boring because once someone told me "If you are bored that means you are boring." and I am bored a lot.

8. The more-than-half-naked hotty pictured below features prominently in my sex fantasies and has done so for the past year.

photo of Richard Z. Kruspe courtesy of www.rammimages.com

glücklicher Freitag

2007-06-08T10:51:00.000-07:00

You Are Guinness

You're a bit of a beer snob, and you'll only drink the best beers in the world.
Watered down beers disgust you, as do the people who drink them.
When you drink, you tend to be very outgoing and friendly.
Your friends love to take you out for a drink, because you introduce them to the best beers around.

What's Your Beer Personality?

As if I needed another reason to love myself ...

... despite having had a PMS-induced crisis of confidence last night and acting like somewhat of a wanker, I do love myself. In fact, it's been a long week; I might go just home, have Guinness (or three) and love myself right into a coma.

TMI Tuesday Sex Quiz*

2007-06-04T11:19:00.000-07:00

1. When you orgasm, do you hold your breath?
No, there's usually a combination of moaning, and screaming et cetera.

2. Have you ever had sex or played around with a celebrity?
Only in my mind.

3. Do you think prostitution should be legal? Why or why not?
Yeah. Just like I think pot should be legal: legalize it, regulate it, andf tax it. It's a win-win situation: we the people get quality pot and sex, prices would go down (pardon the pun), and the government could use the cash to fight real crime.

4. How do you masturbate? Do you romance yourself? Get straight to the point? Read erotic material?
Any of the above, depending on my mood.

5. Which gives you the most pleasure - intercourse, masturbating for/with your partner, being masturbated by your partner.
Do I have to choose just one? Because a combination of all the above would rock.
If I did have to choose just one it would have to be option number two.
Intercourse isn't the be-all end-all. There had better be a whole lot more going on than just that. Besides - intercourse alone would never get me off - I'm all about the clit.
Being masturbated by my partner would be nice but ... with option number two, masturbating for/with a partner ...
I know what I like, I know what I'm doing and audience participation is encouraged?
Yes please!

*stolen from ZigZagMan's blog

Movie Monday

2007-06-04T09:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know if Movie Monday will become a tradition: but I saw a few movies this weekend and besides.... "Movie Monday" has a nice ring to it.

Knocked Up, (in theatres) is a romantic comedy from the folks who gave us The 40 Year Old Virgin. Quite funny and cute - good date movie.

Das Untergang (Downfall) (on DVD) is a German movie with English subtitles, about the last days of Hitler. Painstakingly realistic, and absolutely frightening because it's based on fact. Stunning performace by Bruno Ganz as Hitler. Highly recommended.

Two-Family House (on the Independent Film Channel) is a charming indie film about a man whose life frustrates him into a series of failed money-making schemes. The soundtrack to this is amazing.

The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times.
Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness!

Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Quizzy Thang

2007-06-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

1. What time did you get up this morning?

9:30. On weekdays it’s about 7:00

2. Diamonds or pearls?

Neither. I don’t like diamonds, pearls, or gold.

3. Last film you saw at the cinema?

Knocked Up

4. What is your favorite TV show?

Grey’s Anatomy, Lost, The Sopranos

5. What do you usually have for breakfast?

A ginormous latte, oatmeal or cereal.

6. Favorite cuisine?

Sushi

7. What is your middle name?

Marie

8. What food do you dislike?

Anything with cooked raisins in it.

9. What is your favorite CD at the moment?

Rammstein - Völkerball

10. What kind of car do you drive?

BMW 325i

11. Favorite sandwich?

Roast beef with lots of mustard

12. What characteristic do you despise?

Lying, sneaking, cheating

13. Favorite item of clothing?

Black pants

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation?

Europe: especially Berlin and Prague

15. What color is your bathroom?

White

16. Favorite brand of clothing?

I don’t shop by brands. I look for what fits well, is cute.

17. Where would you retire to?

Oregon Coast

18. What was your most recent memorable birthday?

40th

19. Favorite sport to watch?

Hockey

20. Furthest friend?

Helsinki

21. Favorite saying?

“Oh for fucksakes” or "holy BALLS!"

22. When is your birthday?

March 29

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?

Night

24. What is your shoe size?

7.5

25. Pets?

2 cats, Clover and Tommy and three mice, Shirley, Eva and Emma.

26. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us?

I QUIT SMOKING !!

Also, Allison Goldfrapp made it onto the Fug Girls' radar.

27. What did you want to be when you were little?

Grown up

28. How are you today?

bored

29. What is your favorite flower?

White rose

30. What day on the calendar you are looking forward to?

I look forward to every day

31. What are you listening to now?

birds chirping

32. What was the last thing you ate?

Steak, with salad and a sweet potato

33. Do you wish on stars?

Yes

34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

purple

35. How is the weather right now?

Cool and sunny ... perfect

36. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?

Ynez

37. Favorite drink?

Water, vodka

38. Favorite restaurant?

Alejandro’s or Monsoon Burger

39. Hair color?

Dark red-brown

40. Siblings?

One sister, Roberta

41. Favorite day of the year?

Halloween

42. What was your favorite toy as a child?

Chemistry set. Yeah, I'm a dork.

43. Summer or winter?
Winter

44. Hugs or kisses?

Depends on who. I like hugs, but if it is a romantic partner .. kisses!

45. Chocolate or Vanilla?

either

46. When was the last time you cried?

Last night

47. What is under your bed?

Christmas wrap, probably dust, maybe a cat

48. Who is the friend you have had the longest?

Kellie

49. What did you do last night?

Went out: shopping, dinner, movies. Came home and watched a DVD

50. Favorite smell?

Lush Fairy Jasmine Bath Bomb

51. What are you afraid of?

The dark

52. Plain, buttered, or salted Popcorn?

Salted, maybe a little butter

53. How many keys on your key ring?

4. My house, my car, my friend’s house, my Gramma’s house

54. How many years at your current job?
One and a half

55. Favorite day of the week?
Saturday

56. How many towns have you lived in?
8. Glen Ellen, Boyes Hot Springs, Penngrove, Santa Clara, Petaluma,
Santa Rosa, Rohnert Park, Vallejo

Bugsy

2007-05-30T14:01:00.000-07:00

I'm not the most girly-girl ever; I like rats, snakes, I don't even mind spiders unless huge and threatening, so it's sortof hard to gross me out. But there is one insect/arthropod Thing that will freak me right out the door, and that is the potato bug AKA "spawn of Satan". I'll spare you the pictures on here; click the link at your own risk.
I don't know what is so scary about them (other than they look like some kind of mutant ant experiment gone frighteningly, horribly awry), but the mere sight of one turns my bowels to water. And they get pretty freaking big. I saw one once in my bedroom: I thought it was a mouse at first. Thankfully the place I live now is built on top of a concrete slab and, because p-bugs live in the ground, not particularly accessible to them.
But we had one in the copier room at work today, which caused a bit of pandemonium until one of our nurses scooped it up (!) and escorted it off the premises. Afterwards I googled them and found this out: there are actually worse insects: the Cave Weta of New Zealand and the Windscorpion, for instance. I've actually seen one of the latter waving it's huge mandibles in a menacing fashion. Later on in the dark, I was afraid to go out to my car for fear it was lurking out there, waiting to steal the keys and take Gunter for a joyride.

In other news, I applied for a passport today. I stated on my application that I will be going to Serbia to attend the Eurovision Song Contest in 2008. (hardly anyone will get how funny that is, but I managed to tell the clerk this with a straight face)

I lost my ass ...

2007-05-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

Results of a recent survey reveal how women feel about their asses.
I thought the findings were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big.
10% of women think their ass is too little.
The other 5% say that they don’t care, they love him, he’s a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

TMI Tuesday

2007-05-14T23:15:00.000-07:00

I've had the flu since last week, and am therefore coughing rather violently. Because I am a female and therefore, possess a short urethra, a sudden coughing spell causes me to ... well, there's no pretty way of saying this ... I leak urine. So I've had to wear incontinence pads. Such fun.

Friday The Dorkteenth

2007-04-13T14:36:00.000-07:00

It's finally here!
And I can't think straight because my allergies are killing me, my doctor wants to ultrasound my left breast because of an abnormality in my mammogram, it's friday and it's been another long week and I have to work tomorrow, but ... I am supposed to post my dorkiest ever moment because it's a contest and I am, in fact, a dork. So ... let's see ...
How dorky am I?
Well ... I name everything. Even my cars. The current red BMW is Gunter ... the dead grey BMW is Fritz. My white Ford truck was Daisy June, the black BMW was called Kevin Bacon. Other car names have been"Bianca", "Helga", "Buster", "Wolfgang", and "Happy Jack".
My cats are Tommy Valentine and Clover Marie O'Brien. I have numerous nicknames for both as well: Tommy gets called Butthead a lot, and Mousie or Moosie as well as Bug.
Clover is Kirara and Cloud Mother, MamaKitty, as well as Kalaallit Nanaat.
The 3 girl mice are Shirley "Cha Cha" Muldowney, Emma Peale and Eva Braun.
So. Unless I think of something dorkier between now and midnight pst ...
ciao

Three days and counting

2007-04-11T21:38:00.000-07:00

What do Dragons, Mullets, and Dennis Hopper have in common?
Tonight's foray into dork fun involves a miniseries I caught on the SciFi channel called Jason and The Argonauts. This 2000 version features a mulleted lad named Jason London as .. well, Jason. It's got Jolene Blaylock - the smokin' Vulcan chick from "Enterprise" and such SciFi regulars as Frank Langella (he narrated Steven Hawking's "Universe", played Dracula, and costarred in a couple Superman movies), as well as "Species" and "Ghosts of Mars" hottie Natasha Henstridge, Shakesperean thespian Sir Derek Jacobi (whose most recent SciFi appearance was as Alexander Corvinus in Underworld:Evolution) and Dennis freakin' Hopper.