1.3.2011 - 2010 redux

When I used to keep a written journal, I would do a recap of all that was written in it when I reached the last couple of blank pages. It was always kindof fun to look back over the past few months and review the changes that had taken place.
The last time I read over the written notebooks was a few years after The Bad Relationship and the journals I kept during that period scared me: I had essentially checked out. I was not the least bit optimistic or hopeful of anything.
I burned them and vowed I would never again endure such abuse ... or ignore the red flags in a relationship.

But anyway....
2010 was pretty stable jobwise. I love my job, my boss, and my coworkers.
However, one really sunshiny person, whose smile could light up a room, died of cancer. That was sad and very difficult to deal with for our entire Department. Then, one really negative person in my department left. Things are fine now, but it was a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally.

Early in the year I -finally- ended the difficult relationship I had with M. It had been a long time coming, even though he is essentially a nice guy. I wanted believe that age didn't make a difference but alas: while age itself is just a number, maturity isn't and I am just not willing to reach down and drag someone up to where I am. He's doing really well and I am proud of him, but it was something he had to do for himself.

I started to get more committed to exercise and diet, joining Crossfit and trying The Zone Diet and then Paleo, and lost 25 pounds (!). I've been slipping the past couple weeks though and it shows: I've gained almost 5 pounds back. Time to step up.
I bought a new car in June: a nice white 4-door Corolla. I thought I would be bummed not having a BMW but I have to say, I love my little Yoshiro ('shiro' is Japanese for white).

The biggest thing that happened this year is I began a new relationship. Marc had been a friend online for 3 or so years, and I had met him 2 years ago in Las Vegas, (when I was with M.) I found him attractive then; also sortof mysterious - he was very quiet. We had another get-together in Las Vegas over Halloween weekend in 2010 and it was a LOT Of fun. Some of my favorite people from online came; a bunch of us went to the Grand Canyon, which was phenomenal! We had a really good time hanging out; lots of laughter and good times. I felt attracted to Marc and was covertly trying to get close to him at the Grand Canyon. We ended up staying up all night talking that night and I learned a lot about him and his political views - by 6:00am and about 10 margaritas/martinis we had solved all the worlds problems.
The next night, after some really bad vodka and some really good tequila, I turned to him and said something along the lines of "Dude... I really want to kiss you right now."
I have this slow-motion, almost surreal memory of the moment - I remember thinking it and then suddenly, saying it while the other (sober) half of my brain was going "Oh hey! You just said that OUT LOUD!"
Then he kissed me. My brain shut up, and I didn't know it at the time but I think asking for that kiss probably changed my life. Even if it had gone nowhere, saying out loud what I wanted was liberating.
We spent most of the next couple of days together, and when everyone dressed up for Halloween night on Fremont Street in Vegas, we had a great time hanging out together with everyone - and doing so much kissing that his fake Freddie Mercury moustache was smeared half off by the end of the night!
When I left for home I wasn't sure what would happen: we're 5000-something miles apart and we'd both been through long-distance relationships that didn't work out. But we decided to make a go of it and two months later, things are going really well. We have a lot in common; we both have full, happy lives that we love. We're both adventuresome and relish new experiences. We think a lot alike, which surprises the hell out of me sometimes.
He's cute, funny, sexy, silly, smart, responsible, he's got a job, gets along with his family, loves to travel, and he treats me wonderfully well. He's respectful, and he makes every effort to be there when he says he will be - plus he makes extra effort to be there and surprise me when I think he won't.
He's pretty awesome ... and he seems to think I am pretty awesome. It's taken me a little while to truly accept all this awesomeness, I think. The only real 'argument' we've had - if you could even call it that - involved me being ridiculous and insecure, and apparently existed mostly in my head.
Not that it's without it's challenges: long distance isn't ever going to be easy but I think we both know what we want, we're realistic, well grounded and we're both (gulp!) adults.
But yeah - it is long distance. He lives in The Netherlands. I'm going to visit in April, which I am REALLY excited about - seeing him will be even more wonderful after we've gotten to know each other that much more, you know? And there's the added bonus of ... EUROPE!!!
I pirated a couple sections of language learning software so if I can make myself sit down at my computer (and concentrate on something besides Hotty VanPervMaster ... LOL) I'm learning Dutch.

I know this sounds like everything is perfect and wonderful: it isn't. Long distance is hard. I know there will be ups and down. Lately, for instance, I've been feeling very much alone.

But really?
Right here, right now, I am happy. Like really, truly happy and open to the possibility that maybe, finally, the Universe has given me what I wanted.

And all I had to do was ask...

Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!

*Happy New Year!!